Dear Love

day 2

3-26-18 // 11:51 pm

Dear Love,

im going to get some sleep tonight, i just wanted to write this first.

today was okay, better than yesterday. 

staying up all night and being exhausted for the whole day wasn't the best but i only cried once today and it was while i was talking with dr. f.

she said she'd beat you up and i think that's the funniest thing i've ever heard that woman say as a school psychologist/guidance counselor.

i admitted to her about my gender identity struggles and my struggling to move past our relationship and how much i hate you.

i hate you so much.

she said my feelings are validated and that i am worth it. i know im worth it. 

you dont deserve to be sorry or feel guilty. you did this.. but i know i cant put the blame on anyone here. 

i spent the day doing my work and just going along with whatever came. im in an online chat group now. its been fun and interesting. ive met interesting people

another thing i wanted to tell you was that i talked with a boy on the bus ride home from school. he's a freshmen, 15, and gay. we connected really well because we've had similar family expierences and it was just so easy to talk to him and we share interests in things like harry potter and really gay fluffy fanfiction. 

back to dr.f., we talked a lot about my gender identity after i admitted it to her. it was a bit clarifying on what i need to do. 

i'm afraid to move on, love. im so afraid but i know that youre moving on and it hurts so much to think about you going out with people and having fun and laughing and smiling with them the way you looked at me and smiled. i love your smile and i hate you.

i hate you so much because youre gone and all i have left are your clothes and gifts youve given me and now these letters im writing that youll never actually see.

12:00 am