day 66

10 0 0

by Nikolasx

by Nikolasx

5-31-18 // 10:41 pm

I don't think I'll be writing these letters anymore.

I tried to end my life 10 days ago, 2 days after that, I went to my guidance counselor and told her about it. then from 5-23-18 until 5-30-18 (yesterday), I spent at a mental health/rehabilitation hospital. I'm glad I reached out and I'm glad that I'm alive.

I realized that I'm finally moving on from you and now I can get better.

I had my first gender therapy appointment today which is a big step in my transition and I felt like I could cry afterwards.

While I was in the hospital, everyone called me Nikolas, Nik, or Niko and I was so content with being respected that way. I met some people that have changed my life for the better. I've even met a girl, she and I developed feelings for one another while we were in the hospital together. Winks, glances, and playful nudges in the therapy groups we attended really helped me through it all. Sitting with her in the hospital's courtyard or playing around with a volleyball in the gym made me so wonderfully happy. I can remember having this dumbly dazed grin and look on my face as she moved against and past me while dribbling a ball or how she scrunched up her face and stuck out her tongue to make me laugh in therapy group. All the guys who I consider great friends now were all teasing me about her but I secretly loved it because when it came to her, I was completely whipped and even she knows it.

I think she'll be good for me and I hope I can be good for her.

I hope that you're doing okay yourself and maybe we could be friends again because I'd like that.

2 months it's been since my world felt like it was falling apart and it did, just a little bit but it's all coming back together now.

I'm always going to love you but there's this stupid saying thing or whatever about how you can still love someone and let them go. I think this is me finally letting go and I'm content with it. No tears, no anger, just forgiveness and acceptance.

Well, that's it then. - Niko

10:59 pm