Dear Love

day 9

4-2-18 // 11:01 pm

Dear Love,

yesterday (Easter) was alright. I went to a nice service at St. Ignatius. I know church makes you uncomfortable but I've grown an adoration for it. I love catholic churches and the holiday services.

I also went to Easter dinner at my uncle Kaz's. You met him and my grandpa once when you were over at my house. 

Me, my dad, and my sister were there from 2 to 6 and I had regretted asking to go because it was really just Kaz's wife's family. I got through it though.

I guess yesterday wasn't all that eventful except for going to my mom's for her troublesome boyfriend. he's a dick. I've told you about him before.

Besides all that, at the end of the night, I put on some sad music and went out to my roof, smoked a cig and cried my eyes out while talking to the wind about how I can't really believe you're gone.

Today was also pretty uneventful. Earlier in the day, I rode on my sister's bike to the park and had a cigarette there. I think a little part of me hoped that for some reason, you'd be there. 

I made plans to hang out with my friends on Friday. Carson will be there. I'm excited, honestly.

But last night, while I was crying my eyes out on the roof, I realized I'm not ready to move on and I can't get over you. Even when I think I'm doing great, here comes thoughts of you and every good memory I have of our relationship. There's a lot of them which is a good thing I guess. It hurts so much, love. I wish I could just let you back into my life and pretend I don't hate you but things are never that easy. 

I like to pretend that this will all be okay because we're meant to be together. I like to keep myself entertained with that thought and it's so unhealthy, I know but it helps me be okay during the day. 

I miss you.

11:10 pm