Dear Love

day 31

4-25-18 // 9:20

Dear Love,

heartbreak sucks.

its been a little over a week since I last wrote. I haven't really felt like it I guess. a bit has happened but yesterday has stood out a bit more than any thing else that has happened.

As cringey as it sounds, my heart was broken once again and it was so sad, love. i felt pathetic. below will be my reaccounting of the events that have taken place

"so we had like a retreat today. it's a spiritual field trip whatever and the guy I've been going on about for the past few weeks is in my theology class so he was there too. I decided talking somewhat outside of school is a good idea so during our lunch time when we were able to go outside, I asked a couple of my friends to send him outside to where I was at so that I could talk to him. he didn't want to leave his card game though so I texted him "I usually discuss more important matters in person, hence why my two good friends are trying to persuade you to accompany me outside" he didn't see that until we were about to leave though while I was talking to the class about my "life experiences" so talking to him on the bus was my last chance and so while we were getting on, I asked to sit with him and he let me. I first apologized about my friends annoying him earlier and then talked about how our sneaky theology teacher legit changed up the groups after I told her that I liked ******. And something he asked was "Why me, that's something I've always wondered" and I told him that I've always been sort of interested in him then after a long awkward silence, I decided to ask if what my friend, •••••••• had been saying about him liking me back was true and he said "yeah, she might've just been saying that" and he proceeded to say how he wasn't really interested in a relationship and that's always just been his thing. it was humiliating because I had sat there thinking that this could be the beginning of a relationship between him and I. So then while we were pulling into the school parking lot i told him that I wish i had known his feelings a couple months ago when this started because I got my hopes up and became emotionally attached to the idea of being with him.
he said he didn't really know what to say but that he feels sorry for me
I felt pathetic and humiliated
and literally, as we were getting off the bus, my friend •••••••• is walking by and I'm fucking pissed and really sad at this point. It definitely sounded like I was about to hit her when I answered her with "yeah my day was fucking great" and walked up to her
he probably heard that too cause he walked off quick"

that's just my telling of the events to a friend of mine. it was depressing and I'm even skipping school today just because I couldn't handle the embarrassment I've gone through.

I think I was a little bit in love with the idea of him, of being with him.

small details I feel the need to always say :

on the bus, he talked about a skateboard he was going to give me after I talked about me liking him. I thought that was a little endearing because he remembered his offer to give it to me a while back

in February, the "candy grams" that you can buy at lunch and send them to a friend, teacher, or crush anonymously caught my interest of course. I sent one that was anonymous and one that had my name signed. after confronting that I had sent both candygrams in our study hall, he commented that it was "cheeky" of me to flirt that way and maybe a couple days later, I found out from my friend that he said even though me sending the candy and little notes was a "first move" (because he knew I liked him, obviously) , I had to make a "second move" but I already felt guilty enough since I was still in a relationship with you, love.

also in February, I made handmade valentines for my closer friends, while you got the most "special" one.. I think the one he got was most important to me and I thought maybe it was important to him to because after school on the day I gave it to him, he sent me a video on Snapchat of him putting it up on his wall.

the day we hung out over spring break, I wanted to hold his hand so badly

my friend, who I dont particularly want to name here has talked to him a few times about me and he's told her things like he'd date me and he thinks I'm pretty.

when he was asked what he thought about transgender people only two days ago now, he said he's fine and supportive of me. she asked him if he'd date me. apparently he said he'd consider it if I werent transgender.

he denied that he liked me when I asked him on the bus. he denied it all.

I believe its understandable that I would be hurting..

its been a month since we parted, I hope we can talk soon.

9:46 am

a song : Between The Bars - Elliott Smith