Dear Love

day 42

5-7-18 // 8:26 am

Dearest,

i can never forgive you.

i will never forgive you.

how can i?

you left me and frankly, i do blame you.

i blame you for every day i wake up wanting to end my life.

i hold too much hurt, too much hate and anger in my heart.

how does that feel?

knowing someone hates you?

does it hurt?

i hope it does. i hope it hurts you. i hope you feel like youre suffocating the moment you open your eyes in the morning and i hope you wake up in cold sweat in the dead of the night over the same nightmares that haunt me. 

what have you done to me? 

you've made me so mean, so cold

how could you promise so many things, so much happiness and hope 

and then deliberately tear the heart that beat for you out of my rib cage and throw it to the dirt

i lied through my teeth.

i cannot possibly stomach the thought of forgiving you.

you sicken me

for over a year, i waited for you to love me. i waited for you and then you came to me

and i forgave you

i forgave you for everything you put me through during that year long wait

i was so young, so naive 

i would have done anything for you and it sickens me, disgusts me that i still will

and then you left after i spent 2 years and 4 months of my life loving you no matter what you put me through, no matter how annoyed you ever made me, no matter what anyone else said about you. i loved you through it all. the awkwardness, the anger, the sadness, through it all

no, im not that innocent myself but i at least tried to keep my promises

loving you here and now disgusts me. its pathetic. you stole everything good, everything happy from me.

you've ruined every future relationship i will ever have already because i will always compare them to you, always holding caution when it comes to trust, never being able to fully open up again in fear that they'll break their promises like yours. 

how dare you.

youre pathetic.

and yet, here i am.

i guess im pathetic too.

8:47 am