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thantophobia: the phobia of losing someone you love
>>>>>month five<<<<<
him
luke didn't go back the next day, or the next. he couldn't face her still lying there, that's all that had been playing in his brain since he managed to find his bed. his love withering before his very eyes. he felt broken, his chest was mangled with the weight of grief unbeknown to him.
luke didn't feel like living inside his body anymore.
all he had left was the creak of the dusty ceiling fan of his tight bedroom. he felt claustrophobic in here and in his mind. the last time he laid upon these sheets luna had been with him, she slept right here just days ago. he couldn't bare lying here the previous night, the sheets still smell too much like her, so he laid on his floor. toying with the matted rug rather than letting sleep consume him.
"lucas!" his mother's voice was too loud for the ache behind his eyes. "honey, you're going to be late. get to school!" with a harsh slam of the door luke knew his mother was in another one of her moods. he understood, however, one understands when one deals with the same dysphoria. liz was just on edge, she'd be better by tomorrow.
luke on the other hand wasn't prepared to face the day. he wasn't prepared for the mundanity of high school nor was he prepared for the questions. from michael or calum. he just wasn't fucking prepared for the rest of his life now that this quaking, deadening sensation has coated every inch of his bones.
sitting in his car five minutes later he thinks about driving into a wall, or perhaps straight into the ocean. maybe he should let the sea have his body as luna holds his soul. he should be left to rot. or so he believed. his blue eyes are void and dark from lack of sleep, cheeks hollow from loss of appetite. he felt void and hollow himself.
blowing through a red light he's forced to swerve, narrowly avoiding getting t-boned. he wasn't even sure when he began driving. he was once again being careless with his life, much like when his father and brothers died. they were driving back from a little gig luke and his mates had played, they had a chance of going somewhere with the band this time. until luke lost his family in an accident that he always seemed to find a way to blame himself for; he smashed all of his guitars refusing to ever play again.
his mother spent nearly a year in icu fighting for her life, both brothers dead on impact, father coded in the ambulance all while ashton had talked luke into attending their bands after party. they had just met ashton and mikey was a bit shy then and he didn't trust new people and luke would never leave his mate in an uncomfortable position, although he knew mike would understand with it being family. but nonetheless ashton convinced luke that everything would work out fine and offered him as much booze as he could handle and a variety of drugs that he hesitantly partook in. luke was too fucked out of his mind to comprehend the phone call from the police, he couldn't understand anything.
much like luna collapsing before him nearly two years to the day of their accident.
bleakly he pulled into the school parking lot he struggled to find a spot, the bell had already rung for classes to begin. luke has missed the first two hours already, if he had realized before he wouldn't have bothered to come. this is the last place luke could possibly want to be. he felt as though he was about to upchuck every ounce of bile swirling distastefully in his gut.
just another monday.
except it wasn't. luke had spent his weekend coming down from a high he no longer wanted to feel again, his heart had fallen straight from his chest smacking into the pavement and has failed to beat since. he took one more look at the building, students had begun to muddle around as the third bell rang. michael's green hair peeked from the crowd solidifying luke's decision.
"fuck." he flung his car in reverse, backing from the spot carelessly and peeling from the parking lot as quickly as possible. he had to escape, to get away from impending doomsday that would have been the rest of his day. so he did what he's best at, he ran.
winding up parked near the same shore he shared his first kiss with luna. he was out of his mind drunk and she was buzzing with something luke had been unable to place at the time. it was fear. a great, deeply aching fear of what luna knew was to come. yet she didn't share it with luke, leaving him wondering and resentful. she knew all he wanted was forever and she knew it would never last because she wouldn't last.
luke had found himself banging his hands harshly against the steering wheel with tears running down his cheeks, hot and angry and vengeful. sobs take over as cracks of thunder rupture overhead masking the screams luke could no longer hold in. cries of agony and loss, of frustration.
heavy rain cascaded down in sheets as if it could salt luke's wounds and make him whole again. with luna seemingly gone, luke believed he would never be whole again.
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a/n: guuuuuuuuyyyyyyss poor lukeyyyy ): but yooo here's an update because i'm sooooo fucking pumped for new 5sos music and it comes out like 3 days after my birthday so like dead. anywho sorry for the rambling lmao! (unedited as always)
