Labyrinth [BTS Fanfiction 1] (Hiatus)

Chapter 40

Passing Time

Heart beats surrounded by these white curtain, I jolted awake gasping for air.

I blink.

Once.

Twice.

Thrice.

Thrice before it finally sunk in that I am in some kind of an emergency ward.

Oh! Right. Sungkyung unnie have just given birth yet I fainted the moment I step foot inside this hospital.

Hospitals just give me those uncomfortable memories of my darkest stage in life that I simply just want to forget once and for all yet there are some things which triggered all those memories just like the hunted dream I had when I was unconscious.

I blink again as I was reminded of how I almost took my own life because the weakling as myself can't bear the overwhelming depression and loss.

I remember how I took the bottle of whisky and filled the tub with cold water for me to drown myself to death.

I remember how I almost step in the tub but stop midway with a better and more success rate of death pop in my stupidly dark mind.

I remember how I ran out of the bathroom laughing like a sick psychopath with tears in eyes, chugging a bottle of whisky whilst rummaging every drawer with my sight in search for my damned sleeping pills. I unfortunately yet successfully found it in Maggie unnie's room well-hidden on the bottommost drawer inside her closet.

I remember how I grin as a hurriedly ran back to my bathroom, dump a generous yet dangerous amount of sleeping pills in my mouth only to chug it with my favorite bitter bottle of alcohol.

I remember how I wince and laugh at the same time at how I almost choke on the amount of pills I swallow all at once before I throw the whisky across the room making a sound of a shattering glass.

I remember how my mind was determined to surely kill myself that day. I remember how I was about to step in the water and finally drown myself as I felt the fuzziness and blur of my vision because of the sleeping pills yet I stop midway again only to pick up one sharp piece of the broken bottle.

I remember how I didn't felt how painful the cut on my feet as I stepped on those broken glass, how I didn't felt the cold water pierce through my skin while I finally soaked myself in the tub and how it didn't actually hurt when I harshly cut my wrist with the broken piece of glass I took.

I remember how numb I was then as I watch the blood flowing heavily into the water making the once clear tub turned into the faintest shade of red into a darker shade until I can no longer contain the dizziness anymore as I close my eyes and let myself sink into my own blood bath.

I was supposed to be dead with all those sure attempts at once yet I woke up in a hospital room-almost identical to where I woke up after the accident-- Ah Reum unnie calming the hysterical Maggie unnie.

Everyone was there again waiting for me to wake up. Everyone again except him but nonetheless they were all there just merely for me.

I can't forget the look on their faces. I can't forget the guilt, the blame, the fear, exhaustion, grief and the tears they shed for an unworthy stupid, selfish girl as I am.

Most specially, I can't forget the relief and happiness in their eyes when they saw me awake.

That was when I realized how much of a burden I was for the people around me, how I was not alone all these time, how I hurt them the more I punish myself and how much they love me despite my blindness of it all. That was when I realized why Han Sung told me to go back, why I have to live.