Random thought

Honesty

I didn't know what loving you meant all those years ago.

I spoke with my heart and not with my mouth and while some people believe that that's the way to go I disagree.

My heart wanted you, it wanted me to jump head first so my feet wouldn't stop me from falling.

My mind knew, subconsciously, that it needed you. That I needed you.

Back then, I needed someone to save me. I was drowning and you kept me a float but you couldn't bring me to safety.

I wanted you to be the one so bad, so I convinced myself that you were.

I made a promise with myself to never let you go, scratch that. My heart made that promise.

I told myself that your personality is what reeled me in, but back then you didn't even know who you wanted to be. You only figured it out recently.

I don't know what it is about you. You have my heart at your mercy but my mind is taking over.

When I feel too much I need space, when I think too much I need you.

What I mean by that is: When my heart is in control I pull away because as much as it yearns for yours it would rather be cold than broken. My mind... my mind thinks everything over, bringing me back to reality. But sometimes, it gets confused and creates it's own little reality where you are in the same position as me.

I don't think about how you feel, although I'd like to know.

You'd never tell me though, as much as you feel you still don't feel with freedom. You don't give life to those feelings let alone put them in words.

Come to think of it, I don't know how you feel about anything. I don't know if you're doing me a favour or disservice.

I don't think about how you feel, how you really feel, because I don't want you to confirm what my insecurity thinks and I don't want my heart to get it's hopes up.

But, if I'm being honest. I haven't told you how I really feel either.

Maybe we both know how we feel about each other, or at the very least have an idea. You don't like to assume, even though I know you do. And I don't like the feeling in my chest when we get close to talking about how I feel about you.

I'll avoid it as long as you'll let me, I think I know how long that will be.

I need to figure out how life works when it doesn't revolve around you. That's easier said than done and I know that.

There are going to be days where I'll wake up and almost send a message, there will be nights where I'm too drunk to think of anything but you.

There will be times where I'll wonder if you knew. If you actually understood.

I want us to be honest.

I want to be honest.

Let me be honest:

I don't like that my heart got so used to being touched by you.

It's hard. Being so close to you. Every time we talk I get sucked in and when we aren't talking, God I wish we were.

It's all very confusing. I Often times
feel like you're playing me,  like a game you play when you're bored and want to kill time.

But then I remember who you are and you'd never do something like that....intentionally.

Sometimes I wish you'd let me in.

Sometimes I wish you'd yell and get angry because when you're angry you can't filter what you say, that way I wouldn't have to guess what you feel anymore.

Sometimes I wish you were brutally honest and said things that hurt me instead of the other way around.

Sometimes I get too carried away, and write stuff like this.

Sometimes I get too overwhelemed and say a bunch shit that makes no sense.

"I didn't know what loving you meant all those years ago."