Spring Day | BTS ✔

18

The room was silent before Jin stood up to change the IV bags hooked up to Namjoon and me. He returned to his chair not long after. I wished I could hear what they were saying. Jin spoke a bit, then Namjoon, then Jungkook.

I felt my hand, the one that Taehyung held on my physical body, tingle as if it were being slowly constricted. Taehyung's back was tense and his gaze was rooted to my whitening fingers under his clutch. Then he snapped. He stood up and the muffled jumble that were once words that I could understand were directed at the maknae. The latter looked offended and the rest just looked startled. They were fighting.

I dug my nail into my physical form, the rush coming faster this time, followed by the feeling of a sharp pain in my form where I had dug my nail in.

The monitor beeped rapidly until Taehyung calmed down out of fear. He sat down as Jin stood up, but the heart monitor went back to normal after I pulled my thumb away. They all watched my unconscious being for a while after until Jungkook spoke. He talked for a long time, the hands on the clock ticking past. After his muffled words stopped flowing, the room sat in silence again.

A conversation, a real steady conversation, picked up starting with Namjoon. I didn't know what it was about, but it was a peaceful conversation from what I could tell. Each talked for a while, interrupted by short sentences by another member of the group. They sounded like questions from the slight inclination at the end.

I sighed as I sat on the foot of my bed. To say I didn't feel comforted by the ease of the conversation coming from the only people I had ever fully trusted would be a lie. I smiled to myself as I imagined how they could all be in the future if they all found some way to forgive one another.

It faded when I realized I wasn't imagining myself with them. I ran my nails along the leg of my physical body, scratching slightly. It wasn't enough to cause the six to look my way in concern, but the rush returned. I watched my friends until something caught my eye.

"Hi," I jumped as I saw the girl from the children's ward sit on the end of Namjoon's bed.

"H-hi," I was confused to say the least.

"If you're wondering why I can see you, it's because I've been unconscious half of my life," I tilted my head in confusion, "It's a side effect of my cancer disease thing."

She shrugged and explained more in depth and I just nodded, still confused about all of this. She looked at my hand and smiled sadly.

"You hurt yourself already, huh?" I paused but nodded anyways, "Don't do it too much. You still need to wake up after all."

"What do you mean?"

"The energy rush? It's like a drug, addictive, so be careful. The more you experience it the less you'll want to come back. Death is a sweet release for those in pain, I've seen a lot of coma patients die from becoming addicted to the rush."

I sighed.

"What if I'm ready to die?"

"Are you?"

I thought about the question. My life wasn't easy, especially after the fight four years ago. I know it sounds like self-pity, but I'd gotten to the point of wanting to kill myself before, I was always too afraid to commit though. Now, I could leave without any physical pain or second thoughts.

I looked at the others around the room. They all had hesitation in their eyes and I knew that my fantasy of us being a family again was only hopeful thinking. I didn't want to keep blaming the world for my pain.

Honestly, I miss you, but I'll erase you 'cause it hurts less than to blame you, I thought. I turned back to the girl.

"Not yet, but soon."

"Just don't leave too early," she smiled before standing up and leaving the room again.