Spring Day | BTS ✔

06

The air seems so cold all of a sudden. As if being on the train turned the humid heat off in the world in the snap of a finger. For being the end of April it now feels more like the end of November. The rain has turned cold outside, or maybe it's just the emptiness of the train car mixed with the A/C. That would make more sense.

Still, I can't help but feel that the air is getting colder the closer to Namjoon I get. I wonder if he knows I'm on the way there. I checked my watch. It's already been an hour since I got on the train. There's only an hour left too. I sighed, my lungs feeling heavy in my chest. Maybe I could walk around when I get to Seoul, try and put off getting to the hospital and blame the rain for slowing me down.

I shook that off, too.

I couldn't do that, not even if I wanted too. After all these years, the very least thing I could do for Namjoon was to be there for him for a day. I sighed at the keychain in my hand. I clipped it to my backpack strap. I didn't know how I'd react, seeing him after so long. I still wasn't sure if I would know what to say to him.

I guess it didn't matter. If words were to be shared between us, then they would be. It wasn't good to dwell on it all. I knew that if I did, I'd only get my hopes up. I guess you could call me an optimistic person. You could also say that if I thought too long on something, I only ended up a bit disappointed when it actually came to happen. Hope was a nice thing, but I guess I had too much of it.

Jung Hope, that's what they used to call me – or J-Hope for short. They were the main reason I had hope for a while. They were my best friends and we all depended on each other. The first two years were the best years I can remember having. Drinking swiped booze on the roof of the apartment building where Namjoon and I lived, playing cards that usually just ended in us stacking the suits into little card towers, and running around the train yards and on top of the massive machine beasts.

I sighed remembering everything we once were. I remembered my nineteenth birthday, where we all got drunk and tore up the apartment just for the hell of it. I remembered sitting in jeans and a t-shirt inside a bathtub of confetti and water as the neighbors banged on the door to quiet our laughter and fun. Pillow feathers flew everywhere and someone's foot got cut and bled everywhere, but no one cared. We all ended up falling asleep on the same couch in a massive drunk and bruising pile of smiles. We were happy and content because all we had was each other and that was okay.

It wasn't until the third year that the fights began. One was so bad that the apartment got torn up a second time, only that time it was two wrestling bodies throwing each other against the walls that ruined it. Chairs were broken and it all ended with them crying and collapsing in a single heap of 'I'm sorry's on the cold floor. Insults became our booze, bruises and cuts replaced confetti, and desperate apologies became sleepy smiles. We wanted to happy with each other, but we were growing up.

I never knew the others reasons for fighting, but I knew mine. I was too afraid of losing them all. High school was over for me, college was lonely, and jobs were hard. I knew I had to change from that kid that I used to be. That I had to grow up and face the world on my own, not hiding behind the others anymore.

I was afraid of all of that. I was afraid that they'd end up leaving me after so much time saving me from who I was. Now, all I had left was myself. Dating was out of the question because I'd rather have solitude than form any type of relationship that I might lose. I was scared of the world and the people in it so I stuck to myself, longing for something I never paid attention to because I couldn't handle to internal truth of it.

I wanna put an end to this winter. How much longing should we see snowing down now that we're all so far from each other. I want to end all these cold feelings between us, to have the days of spring where I can still call you friend. I want to stop being afraid and only you can give that to me.