That Which Doesn't Kill You, Just Fucks With Your Mind

After All, I'm Just A Fan

The venue finally cleared out and Claire and I made our way to the car. A man stood with his back to the door smoking a cigarette. I felt my pockets for mine and had remembered I left them at home.

"Hey do you have a cigarette to spare? Seems I left mine at home." I asked the man and Claire glared at me. I grinned and turned just as he turned around. "Ricky?"

"Oh hey Blaze." Ricky mumbled with his cigarette in his mouth. He smiled until he saw Claire. I motioned towards her.

"Claire this is Ricky, the guitarist of Motionless In White. Ricky, this is Claire, my best friend." Instead of shaking hands, Ricky smiled and waved before looking at the ground. Claire mumbled a hello and faced me.

"How did you guys meet?"

I sighed and rocked on my heels. "Well.... I didn't use the bathroom while waiting. I, uh, stole a pass and ran into him. So yeah." I dragged out the last word and bit my lip. Claire laughed and Ricky followed with a chuckle. I smiled and borrowed Ricky's lighter.

"So what are you guys doing tonight?" Ricky looked at me but I felt the question was aimed at Claire.

"Probably going home. I'm beat." Claire yawned and Ricky shifted uncomfortably. I suddenly got an idea.

"Hey Claire, you go get some sleep in the car. Once I'm done we can leave." I handed her the keys and she nodded before dragging her feet to the car. As soon as she was out of earshot, I turned to Ricky.

"Do you like her?" I knew it was a quick accusation but I had to know.

"Um..." Ricky started but a man came out. He was the same height and had Angel bites. His makeup was the same and he wore a hooded shirt cape thing.

"Hey Ricky, we're ready to go. You coming?" Ricky nodded and put out his cigarette.

"Who's this? Is she coming too?" The man smiled at me. Ricky looked at me and paused.

"She's just a fan. But uh, yeah. Yeah her friend is in the car getting something. I'm gonna ride with them is that cool?" I opened my eyes wide and looked at Ricky.

What? What were we doing? I was just a fan? Well that was true... But why did his words hurt? I shook my head and put out my cig. Ricky looked at me and smiled and I noticed the other guy left.

"Who was that?" I asked and shoved my hands in my pockets. Ricky kicked a rock and looked away.

"Balz. He plays the keyboard. Do you know any of us members?" Ricky laughed and nudged my arm. I figured he was motioning to my shirt and my ringtone earlier and I laughed.

"No. I don't really pay attention to that stuff. I'm all for the music." Ricky nodded and a small smile appeared. Why did that seem so familiar? Why did I feel like I've known him my whole life? Something about the way he walked, the way he spoke his words... He reminded me of someone I knew. Someone who meant the world to me.

I choked back tears and jerked open the drivers seat door. Claire was sleeping peacefully in the back and Ricky stared, mesmerized, at her. I cleared my throat and he snapped out of it. Once we were in the car, I shook Claire awake.

"Claire. Claire." I said her name and she moaned in return. "We're going to, uh, where are we going?" Ricky smirked and mumbled some bar name. "Yeah we're going there."

Claire mumbled an 'okay' and I started the car. We finally made it out of the parking lot and Ricky directed me to the place. The guy he called Balz waited outside as we pulled in. Ricky jumped out of the car and practically ran to them. A man with half blonde and half black hair held a woman's hand. The other guy smoked a cigarette and didn't speak. Where was Chris?

I shook Claire awake again and she got up. "Let's go drink and have some fun." I nudged her arm and she laughed. We walked inside with Ricky at our side and Chris waved us over.

"Who's this?" He asked and held out his hand as we closed the distance.

"This is Blaze. And this is Claire." Ricky introduced us and we shook his hand. Chris introduced us to Ryan and Devin, aka Ghost and his girlfriend, Kylie. After we had our 'meet and greet', we ordered some drinks. Since some of the guys were straight edge, it seemed that only Ryan, Ricky, Claire and I had drinks.

Ricky had settled himself in between Claire and I and waited patiently until I took a sip of my drink. "Soo, um." Ricky drummed his fingers on the table and Claire grabbed his hand to look at his 'hopeless" tattoo.

"This is cool! Did it hurt?" She turned his hand around and examined his fingers closely. Ricky blushed and struggled to find his words.

"No, it didn't hurt that much. Were you wanting to get one?"

"Yeah I was thinking about it-" her voice faded out as I stopped listening. Obviously I was third wheeling it. I took a big gulp of my drink and noticed Ryan staring at me. I smiled shyly knowing he just saw how much of a drinker I could be.

"You don't talk much." I said hoarsely since the alcohol still burned my throat.

"I do. Just not when I meet new people." He laughed and pointed at Claire. "Seems Ricky likes your friend here."

I glanced at them and nodded. "Yeah I noticed that too." I stared at Ricky's face and tried to figure out where I'd seen him before. I turned to Ryan. "Have I met Ricky before? I know you might not know but I feel like I have, I don't know, spent a great amount of time with him."

Ryan stared hard at my face and shrugged. "Not that I know of, sorry. Maybe you've seen us perform before?" I shook my head.

"No, first time. And here I am drinking with you guys!" We chuckled and toasted our drinks before finishing them. From the corner of my eye I saw Claire and Ricky kissing.

The pain in my heart was something unexplainable. Where did this emotion come from? I felt the tears sting my eyes and I blinked them away. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to hit things, throw things. What was happening?

They finally pulled apart for air and they smiled at each other. I couldn't take it. I excused myself to the bathroom and threw myself into a stall. Without my permission, tears fell from my eyes. Why did I care? Who was he? I had never known Ricky in my life and yet here I was crying over the fact that he kissed my best friend.

Finally some sense kicked in and I stopped crying. Why did it matter? He was a band member. He would be traveling and have no time for either of us. I mean, after all I was just a fan. Maybe this thing with Claire was a product of lust. I smiled and nodded my head.

Yeah. Just a product of lust.

I made my way out of the bathroom with a huge grin.

"After all," I whispered to myself, "I was just a fan."