That Which Doesn't Kill You, Just Fucks With Your Mind

It's Over. Right?

The TV filled the background silence and I sighed. I propped my head up with my arms and continued to lay on my stomach. The couch sank by my feet and I knew it was Chris again.

"You can get some sleep now. I'll be fine." I whispered hoarsely and cleared my throat.

"No. I'm not leaving you." I glanced at him and he stared cold at the TV. I sighed.

"Chris..."

"No Blaze. I don't want you near Ricky again and I don't want to see a pill bottle anywhere near your mouth again. You could of died." He focused his stare on me and I looked away.

"But I didn't."

"But you could have! Claire and I called you I don't know how many times and you didn't answer. We had to go there and luckily we saw your car. You were slumped over in your seat. You locked your doors, I had to break you out. Blaze, how do you not see anything wrong with that?"

I rolled my eyes. "I was upset."

"Upset about what? Upset about Ricky? What did he say?"

"Nothing." I tried to brush it off but he wasn't letting off.

"Tell me because this nearly killed you."

Regretfully, I did. "He... We were talking and this girl came over. Said she was his girlfriend but he denied it. I left and I got mad. We cursed each other and I kind of attacked him... Then I threw the picture and left."

The room fell silent and I started tapping my foot nervously. "You..." Chris started to talk but stopped.

"I what?"

He stood up. "You were mad that you thought he had a girlfriend? Why does that matter! Did you plan on getting together with him? You must have lied to me this morning then. How could you do that?" He tossed a pillow in my direction and stormed off to the bedroom.

"Chris I did not! I was mad... I was mad that he moved on okay! You don't just move on from someone you had serious feelings for. That doesn't happen!" I stood in the doorway and Chris sat on the bed. Claire watched awkwardly from her side of the room and set down her book.

"So you care about him more than me? You told me multiple times you were over it."

"And I was! But when we started to talk more and how he was trying to remember, I couldn't stay mad! He wants to know, he wants to remember! I want him to remember. And now he does and I can't go back. I can't see him. I can't face him. So what are you mad about? He knows and I know, we all remember now. Do you see me packing my things and skipping on over there with a smile on my face? No. I don't want to. I want to be here. With you. And Claire. This is where I belong. Ricky played a huge part in my past, I know, and I'll never get over that. But it's time to move on somehow. I can't just keep living in that period." I gasped for breath from my long speech. I noticed Chris wasn't even looking at me but Claire's face held a frown. He glanced at her and sighed.

"I get that he meant the world to you and maybe still does. But... When you go into these things, these Ricky phases, it's like I'm not even there. I just want to be able to take his place and be your world now. But you won't let me." His voice lowered to the point of a whisper. My eyes teared up and I hugged him.

"Chris, you do mean the world to me. You've made me better since I've met you. I know sometimes I don't show my affection but it's there. It's always been there."

Claire came over and joined in on the hug. I didn't want to lose my friends. I didn't want to end up alone. Ricky remembered. Now there was nothing else to do. I had no more purpose. It was all over now. I could be with Chris and live with Claire. I was happy inside.

Time passed since the day I fought with Ricky. He hadn't called me or texted me but that was okay. I didn't know what I would say anyways. I had gone on with my life and we even adopted that bulldog Chris wanted. Her and Foxy got along well.

Claire and Ryan had started talking more and Ryan had been at our home a lot lately. When the band wanted to hang out, Claire and I stayed home to avoid things with Rick. I would ask Chris how he was and he would shrug. I wasn't sure what that meant but I accepted his answer.

I guessed things were done. Ricky Olson used to my everything but now he was just a guy. Just a guy who I had a history with. Just a guy who was in my favorite band. Just a guy who I missed with all my heart.