That Which Doesn't Kill You, Just Fucks With Your Mind

We'll Never Die

The days passed slow and long. Chris was leaving in a month for tour and I regretted everyday we got closer to that. I didn't want to tag along, in fear of what happened with Ricky, but I didn't want to spend another three months in my drug addicted, depressed life. But I guess that's what comes along with dating a frontman.

"Do you really have to leave?" I looked up at Chris and pulled him closer to me. We were laying in bed just watching the ceiling as if it would move.

"No," he chuckled and I smiled, "but yes. I'm sorry. I wish you could come with."

"I would..." I started to speak but I earned a look from Chris. "But you won't let me." I pouted and buried my face into his chest. I could feel his laughter until he pulled me away to look at my face.

"I would. But you know why."

I sighed. I did know why but I was tired of letting "him" decide what I did. "I don't care. I want to go. He can kiss my ass for all I care. I won't let him prevent me from spending time with you." I laid on top of Chris and grinned. "May I please go?"

He looked up and thought. "Hmmm, I don't know I'm kind of looking forward to time away from this little brat." He pinched my cheek and smiled. I lightly bit his hand and laughed.

"Shut up. You love me."

"That I do. And you love me."

"I do... Not. I'm kidding babe." I laughed and he pushed me off to the other side of him. "Noo come back and love meeee." I reached towards him and grabbed his hand. He tried not to laugh but I caught him and pulled him down on top of me. We were giggling like high school kids and I intwined my legs with his.

"You're not leaving without me." I bit my lip and looked at him.

"Of course not. I would never." Chris's mouth caressed mine in a loving kiss. Our lips moved in sync and my heart sped up. We started to really get into it when the bedroom door opened.

"Yeah, I wish I could go- oh wow. I'm sorry." Claire giggled and covered her eyes. Ryan groaned along with Ghost and Balz laughed. Chris moved to the side of me and attempted to hide what was happening in his pants.

"Thanks guys." My face flushed and I buried it in the pillows.

"You're welcome. I'm your birth control babe." Claire laughed and winked at me. I flipped her off and stood up.

"Whatever. Anyways, I have some things to do so I'll catch you guys later yes?" They nodded and I kissed Chris goodbye. I jogged down to the car and grabbed the envelopes I had to mail. I didn't have to do them now but I really wanted to get out of the awkward situation upstairs. I knew Chris would handle it well but I couldn't. I blared some Thy Art Is Murder and went on my way.

I made it to the mall where I had to pay my credit card bill and walked inside. Near the food court I could see a guy with black long hair and black clothes. He had his face in his hands and tapped his foot vigorously. "Fuck." I mumbled and walked the back way. I tried to walk fast, hoping he wouldn't see me.

It was like he was unavoidable. He was everywhere and I couldn't run away from him. I was almost gone when I heard me name. "Fuuuuuuck." I whispered and turned around with a smile. Ricky looked at me with a broken expression and I frowned.

"It's, uh, been a long time." He looked at the ground and kept his hands in his pockets.

"Since we last talked or..." I trailed off and glanced at the teenagers walking by. One of them had a Motionless In White patch on their backpack and I smirked at how they didn't notice Ricky.

"Since... Since then." He motioned with his hand and I knew he was talking about the past. I nodded and looked towards the store.

"Well um, I'd stay and talk more but I've got some things to do." Ricky's eyes saddened and I wanted so much to be able to walk away. I sighed, "If you want to tag along that's fine I guess."

He smiled small and nodded. I could hear him walking slowly behind me. I tried to keep my thoughts calm but it was really hard. I wanted things to be okay but at the same time I wanted him to suffer. But I knew he had. He had suffered just as much as I did and maybe even more.

We walked into the store and sales lady have us a weird look. I smugly smiled and slapped down my payment. I was waiting for the payment to be complete when Ricky spoke. "She's not my girlfriend by the way."

I glanced at him and said, "Maybe this can wait. This conversation." The girl gave us another look and I gave her a bitch stare in return. She nearly tossed my receipt at me and when she turned her back, I flipped her off.

"You really have an anger problem don't you." Ricky pulled me away by my shirt and laughed.

I smiled. "Yeah it'll go away once stuck up bitches like her finally go away." We laughed and walked out. We walked aimlessly around the mall and didn't talk. I wasn't sure how that would even work. What do I say? What should he say?

I sighed. "I know she wasn't your girlfriend." He looked at me but I continued to stare in front of me.

"Then why'd you get so mad?" Ricky's voice was quiet.

"Because. Because I don't know. That's something I can't really explain." I had noticed we stopped walking and we stood in the middle of the mall. People moved all around us and I couldn't focus on anyone. All I saw was Ricky.

"I'm sorry for all the things I said." He whispered.

"Me too." I whispered in return.

"I didn't know."

"I know you didn't." We stood awkward and silent before I started to walk away.

"Wait, where are you going?" Ricky walked towards me and I stopped.

"I should go. Chris will wonder where I am. I'm actually not suppose to be talking to you." Ricky's face looked confused and he scoffed.

"Why?"

"Because I overdosed after our argument. And he blames you even though I took responsibility. You're his best friend but in the ex department, he hates you." I smiled but it faded quick.

"Can we talk again sometime soon then?" His voice lowered from his sadness and I wanted to cry.

"Yes. I'll make sure." He smiled and I started to walk off again.

"Blaze?" I stopped and looked back at him. "I still love you."

I blinked nearly twenty times. "You what?"

"I, uh, still love you. I never stopped." He looked like he was about to fall apart. His eyes were liquid and sad and his breathing was a little bit fast. I wasn't sure what to say.

"I, um. I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry Ricky. I... I want to say the same thing but I can't because Chris. That doesn't mean I don't.. It's just complicated. Can we please talk another time?" I was getting flustered and I didn't want to start babbling. I nearly ran out of the mall and left Ricky standing all alone.

Again.