That Which Doesn't Kill You, Just Fucks With Your Mind

City Lights

{Song: City Lights by Motionless In White}

I woke up around 6 am and hopped in the shower. I didn't know why I was up so early but it felt right. After drying my hair with my towel, I let it lay loose over my shoulders and threw on some jeans and my Vans. I grabbed a random tank top and my black oversized sweatshirt.

I scribbled a note for Chris that I was out for a "jog", such a lie, and left the flat. I walked along the empty streets and found myself at the park. I stared at the still lake and looked above at the bridge. The metal band reflected in the water and stood guard over the beautiful body of water. I walked over to a tree and stared at the dead branches. I picked away at it until I heard someone approach me.

* * * * *

I didn't get any sleep. I couldn't stop tossing and turning. I finally decided that a walk would be best. I didn't live far but I wasn't close to the park and thought it would be a good place to go to calm my mind from yesterday.

I wished she would have told me she loved me. I wish Blaze would feel everything all over again. But I fucked it up. I dumped her, I hurt her and broke her and forgot everything about her. No wonder she didn't want anything to do with me. I was an idiot. Blinded by lust and ignorant to the love in front of me.

I thought I was alone at the park until I saw a girl. Her oversized sweatshirt hid her face and I decided to walk over to her. She messed with the branches of the dead tree and jumped when I walked up to her.

"Blaze what are you doing here?"

"What are you doing here?" Her eyes darted around us and she crossed her arms. I shrugged.

"Trying to clear my mind. I didn't get any sleep." She nodded and so I assumed she had suffered the same. But for the same reason? I wasn't sure.

"Um, where's Chris and Claire?" I watched the mist fall down in between us and tried to calm my heart rate. She shrugged and focused her attention back on the dead tree. I thought about walking away but decided against it. Now was my time to try and get her to forgive me. Now was my time to clear up everything in our past.

"Blaze. I really am sorry. About everything. About leaving you and being such a jerk to you. I'm sorry for forgetting the most important person in my life. I'm sorry for still loving you. I understand if you hate me or never want to see me again. But I want you to know that I never got over it even though I acted like it. Being with Claire, it wasn't right. It didn't feel right. I felt like I was missing something. And I guess that was you." My throat locked up and I quickly wiped away any tears that might fall. Blaze stared at the ground for a moment before she turned to me.

"Ricky, you ruined me. You ruined everything. After us, I fell apart. I started abusing prescription drugs, I started drinking myself to a blackout, I smoked out all the oxygen I had. I had nothing left. I wanted to kill myself, I wanted to suffer and hurt myself all the time. I missed you everyday. How could you just come back like this and expect me to forget everything?" She shook her head and glared at me.

"You don't know how I suffered too. I didn't want to break up with you. I did because things were so hard and I wanted us to continue when I got back but after I left you, I couldn't bear the thought of thinking about you and knowing I wasn't by your side. So I forced myself to forget it all. I forced myself not to think. I didn't know my mind would go to the extreme of making me completely forget."

I reached for her hands and I held them in my own. "I remember everything now. I remember when we went your first concert, it was Slipknot. You were such a crazy fan back then and I got us tickets and after that we watched the stars in the parking lot. You said, 'I never want this night to end' and we tried so hard to not let it but the security told us to go home." I chuckled. "I remember when we were at my house, and you were dancing around in your underwear singing along to Nirvana. I took video of it too and showed Claire and she laughed. I remember everything."

A tear slid down her cheek and I wiped it away. I pulled her into a hug and she let it all go. She sobbed into my jacket and I let my own tears fall. The cold air didn't bother me anymore and all I could think about was her.

My love. My life. My soul. My everything.

"I understand if you don't feel this way anymore. But I really want to give us another chance." I whispered into her hair and hoped for the best. She pulled away and shook her head.

"I can't. I'm with Chris and we both care about each other. I can't do anything until I'm by myself again. I do still love you Ricky. I always have but I can't... Not now." She sobbed and hugged me again. My heart shattered but I was still hopeful. I was going to get Blaze back.

I sighed. "I love you." I knew I shouldn't have said it but I couldn't help it.

"I love you too." Blaze mumbled into my jacket and pulled away. "I have to go. Chris is probably wondering where I am." The sun had come out and reflected off the lake. People started to pass us by and I didn't even noticed. She kissed my cheek softly and walked off.