That Which Doesn't Kill You, Just Fucks With Your Mind

Perfection Has A Price

{Song: 3 AM by Chiodos}

My mind wandered a million miles a minute as I limped my way along with Ricky to catering. He was silent the whole walk over and it only spiked my anxiety up another fifty levels. I sighed a shaky breath and smiled at the caterer. I didn't know who it was but it seemed like Ricky did.

"Hey Mike." Ricky shook his hand and ordered for us while I silently watched the people walk around. I leaned heavily on my crutches until Ricky motioned for me to follow. We made our way over to a picnic table under a shaded tree and a little away from the public. We sat down and he slid my food towards me. He politely opened my coke and smiled as he set it down. I smiled in return and tried to contain my blushing.

We ate in silence for the first few minutes. I enjoyed the food, it was probably the best food I had eaten in the last few days. Ricky seemed to be at peace with his and when I finished, I watched him carefully. His eyes flickered towards me and each time, I skillfully played it off.

The silence began to irritate me and I cleared my throat. "So what'd you want to talk about?" Ricky raised his eyebrows as he stared at his food and stayed silent for a reasonable amount of time. He took a sip of his water and stared at a group of people walking by. Finally, his eyes met mine.

"How do you like tour so far?" He flashed a grin in my direction and I licked my lips.

"For the first day, it's been pretty good. You guys were amazing on stage. The fans went crazy." I chuckled and ran my fingers through my hair. He smirked and watched me.

"It gets better through out. After all, today is just the first day." We stayed silent for a bit before he spoke again. "I know things with you and Claire aren't-"

I held my hand up to cut him off. "Please let's not talk about this."

"I was going to ask what you meant when you said she didn't care about me."

His words caught my breath in my throat. I didn't know how to answer. Did she care about him? I didn't know for sure.

"Um, I don't know. I think it was something I said out of anger." I avoided his gaze and I could see him nod from the corner of my eye.

"Is that why she's mad?" Ricky's eyes pleaded for an answer and anger coursed through my veins. I stood up as quickly as I could and tried to leave.

Ricky hugged me to prevent me from leaving and to cover the awkward situation. People began to look so I splattered a smile on my face. His breath grazed the back of my neck and covered my skin in goosebumps.

"My next question was," Ricky paused and I could feel the hesitation emanating off of him, "do you care?" He whispered as quietly as he could and if it was possible, I would have melted right on the spot.

My heart jumped and my nervous eyes darted. It wasn't that I didn't care nor the fact that I did. It was the question that caught me off guard and the reason behind it. Why did he want to know? What would it mean to him? And more importantly, what would it mean to me?

I fidgeted in his arms and he loosened his hug. He turned me around to face him and I couldn't contain myself. I buried my face in his chest and the scent I knew all too well invaded my nostrils. I could hear his calm breathing and I knew I needed to answer some time.

"I...," I sighed, "yes I care." I spoke quietly and looked up at him. Ricky's lips grazed my cheek and I closed my eyes before mine collided with his. The kiss wasn't emotional, but it wasn't fake. There was something there that we both weren't sure of.

We parted for a breath and almost on cue, the passion hit. His cold lip piercings shocked the warm skin of my lips, like fire and ice. Our mouths meshed together in sync and it was like it was just us two. We finally gave it up and pulled apart. We earned a few stares but Ricky swiftly pulled me away to a lawn behind the tree. After the struggle of settling together with my cast had passed, he slung his arm around my shoulder.

Just like he used to.

"Tell me everything." I whispered as we watched the wind playfully move the grass. I felt him look at me.

"What do you mean."

"Tell me everything. How you feel, what you remember, why you're back." He shifted uncomfortably and sighed loudly. I relaxed for what I hoped would be a thorough explanation.

"As you know, I never wanted to break up with you. But I did. Because I thought it would be better for us. I couldn't stand arguing with you all the time. It hurt, knowing we cared more about being right than each other. It was like the love was... Too extreme. I needed to get away from it. I didn't mean to get away from you. And when we both let go, I didn't want to come back. I was afraid you didn't want me to. So I stayed away, I forced myself to forget. I didn't want to constantly remember the mistake I made. I toured and toured, made a career with the band, and forgot all about us. I didn't forget you; yeah, I forgot your name and face, but when you see someone who means the world to you again years later, wouldn't you be at a stand still? And you were. That night when you snuck on the bus, I could feel the connection, like there was something missing between us. But when I saw Claire... She had it. She stole my attention in that smile, those eyes..."

I put my hand on his arm, pulling him out of his reminiscence. "Alright, I get it." I smiled and he grinned before continuing.

"After being with her, I realized I had it all wrong. I thought she was you. But when I brought up things only we would know, she wasn't there. She didn't know the jokes or the little comments. And there was something you had, the way you flipped people off," we laughed, "the way you elegantly smoked, the way you lived each day for yourself and for those who mattered... I just felt it. And when you gave me, or threw me, the picture..." Ricky reached into his pocket and unfolded the picture of us. We stared at it and let the silent air settle.

"... I remembered everything. I remembered you, I remembered us, and I remembered... That I loved you. And I never got over it." He stared at the ground and picked away at the grass. I reached over and grabbed his hand. Our fingers intwined and he faced me with a smile. The closeness was nearly deadly and we only made it worse.

Soft lips against even softer lips. The chaos, the passion, the hate, the anger, and yet still overpowering, the love, all smashed together in one little action. It was amazing what one little kiss could pass on. What one little kiss could make someone feel.

My teeth grazed his bottom lip and I saw his face flush lightly. Our noses stayed together and his forehead leaned against mine. I would call it perfect.

But with all perfection comes a price.

"Lunch." Chris air quoted and smiled before walking off. I couldn't move, I couldn't speak or breathe. Ricky jumped up and walked after him.

"Chris. Chris, wait!" Ricky gave up and turned to face me. He helped me off the ground and I limped as fast as I could to the buses.

I didn't want to be here. I didn't want Ricky. I didn't want Claire. I just wanted Chris to be okay. Of course, I was torn. Did I want my past, the one who made me who I was today? Or did I want my present, the one who built me back up from the ashes I called love. I considered all possibilities as I ran onto the bus. To my hellish luck, Chris wasn't even there.

I slid down to the floor and laid my head in my hands. I heard the bus door open and Balz and Ryan came in.

"Dude they were sick! I want to watch them again." Their excitement automatically died when they saw me. Someone mumbled, "let's go" and they left.

My insides burned. My heart crumbled and my eyes stung. I couldn't do anything right. I reached for my phone. I dialed his number and waited.

"Hey, you've reached Chris. Can't come to the phone right now so leave a message and I'll get back to you!"

His recording broke my heart beyond repair. "Chris, please call me." I hung up and stubbornly laid in bed. He had to come back, he couldn't just stay here. And I was staying here until he came back. I was going to fix this, whether he wanted me to or not.