That Which Doesn't Kill You, Just Fucks With Your Mind

I Can't Make Everyone Happy

I gripped the sheets tightly and tried to ignore the wall of pain in between Ricky and I.

He hadn't looked at me or spoke to me in two hours. I tried to elicit something out of him but each time, I was greeted with silence. I pursed my lips and tried again.

"Ricky, I'm so sorry... You don't understand how much I wish I could. It's not about Chris. It's the cast." He refused to look at me and I finally gave in. I crawled across the bed and wrapped my good leg around his waist. I pulled him closer to me and he found interest in a picture across the room.

"Look at me." I whispered and pecked his cheek, yet he still refused. "Ricky. Look at me." I pulled his face closer to me and met his eyes. They were a bundle of emotions: pain, hatred, passion, and mostly love.

"Are you done." His cold voice ruined the silence and I looked away. I heard the front door open and voices filled the vacant air downstairs. Ricky quickly jumped off the bed and walked out the door. I sighed and laid back down on the bed.

I was screwed and I knew it. As soon as this cast came off, I had to keep my promise. But how? I was dating Chris and I didn't plan on ending that any time soon. But I knew I loved Ricky, I couldn't deny that anymore. I sighed in frustration and heard someone outside of my door.

Ghost opened the door slowly and peeked inside. I made a pouty face and he smiled before walking in and closing the door.

"What happened?" His soft voice instantly made me feel better. "Ricky stormed onto the bus without talking to anyone and he's locked himself in the lounge."

I motioned for him to come over and hug me and I wrapped my arms around his waist. "I almost had sex with Ricky. But I didn't because of this cast." I glared at it and Ghost chuckled. "He's mad because I stopped and wouldn't go any further even though he wanted to."

Ghost was about to speak but Chris opened the door and widen his eyes at the sight. I realized how awkward we looked hugging. Since I was sitting down, Ghost's waist was level with my face. I pulled away and laughed. "It's not what you think." Chris sighed with relief and dramatically placed his hand over his heart.

"Don't scare me like that!" Chris laughed and Ghost chuckled before leaving the room. Chris sat next to me and I hugged him.

"What did you and Ricky talk about? He seemed pretty pissed when we got back."

I ran my fingers through my hair and checked the ends of it. Chris could feel the hesitation and sighed. "Is it bad?" I shook my head but stopped.

"Well..."

Chris sat up straight and looked at me. "Tell me."

I rolled my eyes and frowned. "We almost had sex. But we didn't. Because of my cast. And I kind of promised we would when it came off."

Chris raised a perfectly placed eyebrow and played with his lip piercing. After some time, he scoffed. "You what?" I repeated myself and Chris laughed.

"What are you laughing about? How is that funny?"

"It's not. I just can't believe you'd do that right after you promised me you would control yourself. I can't believe I believed you." He was still chuckling when he got up for the door.

"Chris, what the fuck? I won't do anything with Ricky before you. There's no way. Is that what you're upset about?"

He turned around quick. "That's part of it, that I'm your actual boyfriend but you're placing him before me. But the other part of it is either we have to break up or you have to cheat to keep your promise. Whichever you pick, screws me over."

I stood with my arms crossed but uncrossed them when I realized what he was talking about. I sighed and wiped my eyes before any tears snaked their way out. "Chris... I never thought of it like that-"

"Of course you didn't. You never do."

"That's not true! I just want to make everyone happy! Is that so bad?! Whoever I make happy, I make someone else upset. I just want everyone to be happy!" I pushed past him and refused when he held his arms out. I ran down the stairs and my parents gave me a worried look before I stepped out the door. I wasn't looking as I crossed the street when a car screeched to a stop. I faced it and gasped as it stopped just in front of me and I placed my hands on the hood. Staring, face to face with the driver, made me realize how close I was once again to death.

I fell to the ground crying and Chris picked me up and reassured the driver that I was fine. He carried me back upstairs and under the covers of my bed. I wasn't tired but he knew me well enough to know that I just wanted to lay there and cry. But I wasn't sure if he knew that I wasn't crying over the near accident, but over Ricky and the situation I would soon have to face with Chris.

"I get my cast off the day after tomorrow." I remembered. That meant a ride back to Pennsylvania and I wasn't looking forward to that.

"And then what." Chris didn't ask it in a question. I shrugged and I felt his chest fill with air. I wrapped my arms around him a little tighter.

I didn't know why Chris cared so much about me. It wasn't like I deserved it. Everything was easier back in Scranton when him and I first met and before I even remembered Ricky's face. But I let myself open up again and I let in who I told myself I never would again. It was obviously a lie, there was no denying that I didn't try so hard. And once it happened, I regretted it.

But at the same time I didn't. I was better than before and I wasn't spending every night popping pills. I lost my best friend over everything but I also gained six friends and a boyfriend in return.

Chris moved and I looked up to see him staring at me. I don't know if I thought this through properly but it was impossible to take back my words as I said them. "When my cast comes off, I'll keep my promise. After that, I'll keep my promise to you."

His face was content but I could see the irritation. I placed my hand in his and smiled. "I'm going to start trying again. I want us to be that couple again. The ones that watch movies and play games and all that dumb, really cute stuff."

Chris tried to contain a laugh but he couldn't and I knew exactly what he was thinking of. I grinned at the memories but it faded quickly. "Please come back to PA with me."

He shook his head, "I have a performance." I sighed and nodded my head. I hated planes that's why I drove everywhere. And I wasn't looking forward to the long drive. I decided my mind needed rest so I closed my eyes. I could hear Chris mumbling but I was too tired to understand.

I hoped Ricky was alright because these moments with Chris were too great to give up.