That Which Doesn't Kill You, Just Fucks With Your Mind

It had been months since we'd seen the band. They were finishing up their tour and would be returning home soon. Chris and I had kept contact somewhat, if you consider an hour a day contact. Whenever he wasn't sleeping, driving, or performing, he tried to talk to me as much as he could.

At least he was trying.

Since Claire had called things off with Ricky officially, he hadn't bothered to call or text either of us. I had Claire promise to never mention anything about what happened. I didn't want to remind him. I wanted him to remember. I wanted him to remember that five years ago I used to be his everything. Five years ago, we promised we'd never be apart. And now five years later, we're complete strangers.

The days passed slowly and I drew more and more into myself. I was late to work three out of five days a week and even got put on suspension once. I hadn't eaten much and the drug abuse began again. Chris had noticed I was spiraling down and he tried to help as much as he could. Of course I lied to him and told him my grandma died and that we were really close. He bought it.

Claire hugged me closer as she did every night since that one day. She soothed my hair but I stared at the empty pill bottle on the nightstand. It never worked, I never overdosed. Why was I still trying? But then again, why was I still alive?

I remembered everything clearly now. Ricky and I had met in high school, our senior year. Of course I got shit for dating "the weird kid" but I didn't care. He was everything I wanted. Had a good taste in music, he was funny, caring, loving, romantic. We hit it off fast, but we were strong. Nothing could separate us. I attended all of his practices and gigs and he stayed by my side when I felt like I wasn't good enough.

I knew what love was by then. Love was the feeling I felt being with Ricky. But when he joined Motionless, it all fell apart. We wouldn't talk for weeks and when we did, he was always tired or too stressed out to be patient with me. Sometimes we'd argue and the conversations were short. I put up with the first year of it but eventually, we mutually called it off. It wasn't working distance-wise but not only that, I didn't know if he would stay true to me. I had always trusted him, but things happen when you're far apart.

The years passed by and I let the pain eat me alive. I buried all the memories in the back of my mind and tried my hardest to get it together. Unfortunately, I went the opposite direction. Partying, prescription drugs, smoking and drinking every chance I got. Claire tried to help as much as she could, but there was only so much she could control. I had to admit, I had become a shitty person since then. I changed how I looked, changed my attitude, shut out everybody except a few. I was different and I had changed. But most importantly, I was hurt.

* * * * *

Raven watched me as I stared blankly out the window. I didn't know why but I expected Ricky to come running over and tell me how he remembered and how much he still loved me. But I knew. I knew he wouldn't and I knew he didn't care.

"Blaze.... It's over. You can't make him do what he doesn't want. Maybe he's hurt by it too and refuses to remember." Raven put her hand on my shoulder and left her words in the air for my ears to catch. Instead, I shook my head.

"He doesn't care." My voice was hoarse and barely came out as a whisper. My time was up and I trudged home. As I did every other night, I laid in bed and considered death. Chris called me but I let it ring. I wasn't in the mood today. I guess he spread the worried word because then Balz called me.

"Hello." I gravely answered.

"Hey Chris called you but you didn't answer. He's worried about you. Call him?" I agreed and dialed Chris's number.

"Hey are you okay?" He did sound worried but I reassured him.

"I'm fine." I promised. I knew he didn't believe me but he let this one slide.

"Well, I'm coming home in a week. I know we don't live near each other but I was hoping we could spend my break together. I won't be on tour again for like another 6 months."

I smiled at his words. "You can stay with me. If you want." I imagined his smile as he agreed. We talked aimlessly about his tour as long as we could before he had to go. We shared goodbyes and I laid down to sleep.

My mind repeated itself and replayed all the memories. Since everything came flooding back, that's all I'd ever done. I silently hoped that this week passed by fast because I needed someone to take my mind off of fucking Ricky Olson. I guess Ricky was right. He hadn't killed me but he sure fucked with my mind a lot. Fucked with my emotions and view on life also. Pretty much fucked up everything about me.

I started to get mad. Since my days with him I hadn't let anyone in. Chris somehow found his way in though. But he was in for shit. I'm sure he'll just be disappointed in who I am and move on. Just like Ricky did. He'll become involved in the band and forget about me. That's what happens I guess.

I tossed and turned. I heard Claire come home and she messed around the flat for awhile. She finally came to bed.

"Are you okay Blaze?" Her soft voice filled the silent room.

"Yeah. Chris is coming to stay with us next week. I don't know how long though but he's off tour for awhile."

"That's good. You guys are working out really well. Is Ricky coming?"

I shook my head even though she couldn't see in the dark room. She moved around though like every light in the world was on. "No. He hasn't talked to me since they left. I don't think he will."

I could almost hear Claire nodding her head. "Oh. Well he's being stubborn. Maybe he'll remember. What will you do if he does?" Her question caught me by surprise. I hadn't thought of that. What would I do?

"Uh.... I don't know. I really don't. I think I just want him to remember that once upon a time he meant the world to somebody. And that when he broke her, she changed forever. Negatively and positively. All because of him." I paused and thought about my words before I said them. "I don't think I would get back together with him. Not unless he proposed a very convincing argument and explained to me why he forgot. But I don't need to worry about that until it happens." I turned to my side and closed my eyes. "Goodnight Claire."

"Goodnight Blaze."

The space beside me sank and the blankets moved around. Within minutes her soft breathing filled the room. I closed my eyes again to try and sleep and thankfully, I got some.