That Which Doesn't Kill You, Just Fucks With Your Mind

Drunk Words Are Sober Thoughts

The alarm next to my head blared and I threw my hand down to turn it off. I knew exactly what this meant and I groaned in anger.

"Fuck waking up early." I mumbled and picked myself up out of bed. Chris's arm fell into place in my empty spot and I shuffled to the bathroom. The warm water ran down my body and I sighed. I didn't want to leave. But I had to get this dumb cast off. The plastic around it had spots of water and I wiped them off. I decided I didn't need clothes and walked out into the hallway in a t-shirt and panties. I walked out into the cold and knocked on the bus door.

After some time, and after nearly freezing my ass off, someone unlocked it and I waited. They never opened it so I did and stepped up the stairs. The bus was completely empty except for a small man with black hair. He was lying on his back and his arm covered his eyes.

"Where's everyone else?" I whispered into the dark.

"In your house." He mumbled. I figured my parents had invited them to fill the empty rooms. I nodded even though he couldn't see and sighed.

"Well I'm leaving for PA in a few hours. I'm getting my cast off. So, um, I wish you could come. But Chris says you guys have a show. I just wanted to check up on you... To make sure you're okay." Ricky ignored me still and I glared at him. "I'll leave you alone now." I walked towards the door and my heart dropped when he didn't get up. I slammed the door and went back upstairs to pack.

I guess I threw my clothes into my suitcase too loud because I looked up to see Chris watching me. His tattoos were bright in the dim room and I had to keep my heart rate calm. One of his eyebrows was smudged and I smirked.

"Where are you going? And what's so funny." His voice was thick with sleep and I bit my lip.

"I'm leaving for PA to get my cast off. And," I sat down on the edge of the bed and wiped off the rest of his eyebrow, "your eyebrow was coming off." He laughed shamefully and wiped off the other one. I kissed him and got up to continue packing. The rest of the guys eventually woke up and my parents were sweet enough to make them breakfast. I packed the car up and kissed Chris goodbye. I hugged everyone else and Balz handed me a plate to give to Ricky.

"It'll give you guys time to talk."

"He's ignoring me. But I'll give it to him anyways." I took the plate and left it on the table in the bus. I could hear the shower running so I left without saying goodbye.

* * * * *

"Welcome back Ms. Roswell." Dr. Howe grinned and shook my hand. We discussed how my leg felt and within ten minutes, my leg was free. Of course it wasn't so easy to walk but I managed to get out of the building. I checked into my hotel and laid down to sleep. I was just about to close my eyes and when my phone rang. I didn't read the name and slid the button to answer.

"Hello?" I mumbled.

It was silent before a soft, high voice spoke. "Hey Blaze. How are you?" Claire slurred into the phone and I furrowed my eyebrows at her words.

"Uh, hi Claire. I'm fine, how about you?"

"I'm great." She laughed and sniffled. "How's tour?"

"I'm not on it right now. I took a break. Hey, why are you calling me?"

"I can't talk to my best friend?" I barely understood her words but I figured them out anyway.

"You can. I just thought you didn't want to be my best friend."

"I do!" She laughed out loud. "Ryan convinced me that I was wrong. I am jealous that Ricky loves you. I love Ricky. But," her voice lowered to a whisper, "I love Ryan. Don't tell Ricky." She giggled and I rubbed my forehead.

"You love Ricky?"

"No?" She sounded confused. "I never said that."

"You-," I sighed, "okay, so are you my friend again?"

"Again?!" She squealed. "We've always been friends! Come back over, I miss you!"

She hung up and I dragged my feet to the car. I found myself at the door of the flat and Foxy barked when I knocked. The door opened at the force and I walked in. Bottles of Jack and vodka, empty and half full, were scattered around the room. I could hear retching from the bathroom and I walked in.

Claire was bent over the toilet and tears were streaming down her face. I could see red and inflamed marks and scars on her arms and I held her hair back. When she was done, she wiped her face with a towel and looked at me. Her eyes were brimmed with tears and red from crying. When she realized that it was me standing in front of her, she fell into my arms and sobbed again.

"I'm so glad you came back. I missed you so much. I'm sorry, but I'm so alone. I need you." Claire spoke between her sobs and I smoothed her hair. I took her to bed and laid the sheets over her. I wrapped my arms around her small frame and whispered comforting words in her ear.

I didn't have my best friend back but I was content with being here. She needed someone and even though we weren't on the best terms I knew I had to be there for her.

When she was asleep, I searched the flat for the blades. I threw them all into a bag and walked outside to the trash can. I made it back upstairs and sat down on the couch. I turned on the TV and settled for a stupid love game. The sounds made me tired and I closed my eyes to sleep.

I needed a break from everything but it was impossible. Somewhere, someone needed me and I was too sweet enough to be selfish. I couldn't help myself, I was horrible at it. I was only good at helping other people. And if it meant hurting myself at the same time, that was fine.

I grabbed the bottle of vodka and took a gulp. The warm liquid burned my throat and settled in my stomach. I felt warm and comfortable and laid down to try and sleep again. This time, it worked.