Thin Ice

The Accident

We went back up to the house at a quarter to 11. I was the last person to shower. My clothes reeked of smoke, it stung every time I inhaled it. I turned on the shower, then took off my shirt. I starred at myself in the mirror, hating everything I saw. I wished that I could see what everyone else saw when they looked at me. Just then, I realized that I could fully wrap my hand around the upper part of my arm. It made me feel a bit better knowing that I'd lost more weight, but it also terrified me.

       I hopped in the shower, then drowned in my thoughts. I just thought about how much I hated myself for making Emily cry. I tried thinking about what I could say to make things better, but nothing sounded right. It felt like I was standing there for an eternity, but in reality, it wasn't anymore than 15 minutes. I thought about cutting myself again, but I had already been clean for a few days and cutting over where I burnt my arm, would hurt even more.

My arm stung with every drop that fell on it. When my arm finally felt numb, I decided it was time to get out. I shook my head into my towel, in an attempt to dry my hair, then pulled the towel into my chest. Looking in the mirror, I felt sick looking at my hideous body. My eyes were bloodshot, I couldn't tell if it was from the steam in the shower or if I was crying. The more I saw my imperfections, the more sick I felt. All my fat was gone and all that was left, was skin. I still saw fat. Disgusting, ugly fat.

       I bent down over the toilet, making sure I had turned the sink on, then sighed at the thought of what I was going to have to do for the fourth time that week. I put my pointer and middle finger down my throat, then started to gag. It hurt my stomach a little more with every gag and nothing would come out. In that moment, I was so convinced that I was fat and I completely hated that feeling. My other hand gripped the seat tighter. Finally, I threw up, but it was pretty much just stomach acid. My throat burned and chills went up my spine. There was no scale in her bathroom, so I couldn't see if I had lost anything. I'll never know if I had lost any more weight that night, and that could have been the difference between me staying out of the hospital and my accident.

       I felt completely numb, but I also felt so dizzy. I felt hot and I felt cold, I couldn't explain it. I put on a pair of sweatpants and a Duke hoodie, before exiting the bathroom. Everything was so quiet, except for the moms talking at the kitchen table, which was directly above the stairs. I stood at the bottom for a minute, eavesdropping on their conversation, pretty sure they were talking about me. I heard my mom saying that she was worried about me, then Jackie saying how she couldn't believe how much thinner I was. I felt horrible, because they really seemed to care, but I didn't think they did. I turned to the door, so I could finally go to bed, but then I felt weak. I fell onto my knees, then tried to push myself up with my arms, but it was useless. My arms finally gave out, then I was stuck laying there, shakier than usual. In fact, I couldn't stop shaking at all. I tried tucking my knees into my chest, but my legs were nearly kicking myself. I was shaking with ticks and twitches nonstop. Struggling to breathe, I couldn't even yell for help. I continued shaking, eventually hitting my shin on the corner of the wall, groaning in pain. That's what finally got someone's attention.

       Emily opened the door, only to find me shaking and laying there. "Aeron?" She kneeled down to look at me. "Jake!" She yelled at him to come over. Everything was so faded, my shaking was finally starting to slow down. Next thing I knew, Jake was yelling at the bottom of the stairs for help. I knew I was in trouble this time. Everything kept fading in and out, I was freezing but sweating and I couldn't stop. Next time I looked up, my mom and the others were rushing down the stairs to see what the commotion was about. My mom put her hands on my face, then looked me in the eyes. "Aeron?" She knew something was wrong. I couldn't say anything back, my eyes were just filling with tears. "Oh god." My mom sounded really worried, I still don't understand why she'd be worried about me. "I'm going to go start the car." her voice was shaky.

Next thing I remembered, Jackie was picking me up to carry me upstairs. I felt safe and warm in her arms. Jackie was the only other person who drove with my mom and I, and she tried comforting me in the backseat. I was stretched out across all the seats, with my head on her lap. I couldn't remember much, except that the drive felt like it took forever, but it wasn't more than 15 minutes. Jackie was running her fingers through my hair, and every time I'd make a sound, she'd say something like "it's okay" or "you're alright." Since Jackie knew the area better, she was giving my mom directions. I think she should have drove, but that was my mom's choice. The only thing I think I don't remember, was getting out of the car and into the hospital room. That's what really scares me about that night.