Thin Ice

The First Night

       I don't remember getting up and going into the hospital, I think I blacked out again. When I woke up, I was confused for a second, but it finally all came crashing down on me. I knew why I was there, I knew what I did wasn't okay and I knew I wouldn't be going home that night. My mom wasn't in the room at the time, I think she was talking with doctors somewhere else. The only people in the room were Jackie and another doctor in the corner, most likely filling out papers. "Jackie?" She looked up from her phone, then grabbed my hand. "Hey bud, how are you feeling?" I hesitated to answer that for a second "n-not great." I sat upwards, so I was facing her. "Do they know what's wrong with me?" She could tell my voice lacked confidence. She squeezed my hand a little tighter. "Well, they said your blood sugar level is very low and you're lacking nutrition. They're pretty sure that's why you had a seizure." My face went blank, I was in complete shock. "I... had a seizure?" She shook her head. "That's what happened back at the house. That's why you were shaking like that." I was still in complete shock.

       She asked me something that I was regretting to have to answer. "Aeron, are you not eating?" I broke down in tears. Jackie pulled me into a hug, which was pretty comforting. "I'm sorry." I whispered to her. "I'm so sorry." She ran her hand up and down my back. "Why did you stop eating?" She pulled out of the hug and put her hands on my shoulders. I hesitated again. "I just... I just felt so bad and I hated myself. I thought that losing weight would make me feel better about myself, but it didn't." I dug my face into my hands. "I let everyone down." She tightened her grip on my shoulders. "You didn't let anyone down. Don't think like that!" I continued crying. "I did! I let everyone down!" I felt like such a bitch for crying as hard as I did, but I was finally opening up and telling someone everything that had happened in the past few months. She wrapped her arms back around me to comfort and calm me down. "Jackie, I'm scared." I said with my face buried into her shoulder. "You're gonna be okay." She whispered back "You're gonna get through this."

       I was finally starting to control my breathing, the doctor asked if Jackie could step out into the hall. "You'll be alright." She said as she let go of my weak body. I didn't want to be left alone with the doctor. "Hi Aeron, my name is doctor Matthews." She was younger than what I was expecting, couldn't have been any older than 30. She sat down in the chair that Jackie was sitting in only moments earlier. The smile had faded from her face when she said "I take it you know why you're here." My eyes were puffy and barely starting to dry. I felt guilty and could no longer look her in the eyes. "Yeah." I responded with a raspy and cracking voice. "I know you're not going to like this, but in the next few minutes, you're going to have to make a decision; you either get a feeding tube, or eat on your own." I definitely didn't want a feeding tube. In fact, I didn't want either. I didn't want to eat at all. "When I come back, you can let me know which you're going to go with. Okay?" I looked back up at her before looking away again and said. "Okay."

And just like that, she was gone just as fast as she was there. I was left all alone once again. I felt like my entire world was falling apart; I nearly gave my best friends a goddamn heart attack tonight, my mom is stressed, Jackie is being forced to watch me, and I'm stuck in a hospital miles away from home. I turned around, so I could see the doorway. To my surprise, Jackie was still out in the hall. She caught me looking, and she knew that I was about to break. She walked back in and said "So, what did the doctor say?" She sat back down and grabbed my hands. "She said that I can either eat on my own, or I'm going to have to get a feeding tube." She knew that I wasn't going to pick the feeding tube. "Jackie, can I be honest with you?" I said to her, my voice still cracking. "Of course." She said back, knowing how broken I was. "I don't think I can face my mom." I sniffled, tears forming once again. "How am I supposed to tell her that I hate myself? I hate myself so much that I stopped eating and started hurting myself?" Immediately after I said it, I realized that after I said that, I admitted to Jackie that I started cutting. "I love her, but I just can't face her."

       She stood up and said "I'm going to go talk to her and try to make a little arrangement, okay?" I whispered "Okay." Just as she left, Doctor Matthews walked back in and asked me if I had made a decision. Of course, I told her that I would eat on my own, but she said that I needed a bowl of soup before I fell asleep that night. She said most people chose cream of chicken rice as their first meal as a patient, so I just went along with that. In less than 5 minutes, a different lady came in with a tray, with some water, soup and crackers. She was heavier, with darker skin and the greatest laugh I'd ever heard. Her name was nurse Wendy, and she'd end up being my closest friend in that hospital. "You can go to the bathroom before you eat, but after, you have to stay in bed." I didn't want to risk getting in trouble or anything, so I went before.

When I came back in, she was still sitting there. "Do you have to watch me eat?" I asked, being so insecure about people watching me eat. She shook her head. "I'm afraid so, honey." I reluctantly sat back on the bed, but didn't bother picking up the spoon in front of me. There I sat, doing nothing, but staring at a bowl that I was refusing to touch. Thinking about it, I wasn't afraid to eat. I was afraid that once I started, I wouldn't stop. I was scared that I'd eat forever, until I was obese. Disgusting.

"Baby, you're gonna have to eat." She said to me, waiting for me to at least try. "If you don't, you're gonna have to get a tube." 'Fuck that,' I thought to myself. I picked up the spoon, then slowly took a bite. I felt as if I were eating poison and waiting for death. The more I tried to take my mind off of it, the worse it got. Every bite I took, I was swallowing my pride. Only when I opened my eyes, I had realized that I was crying. My eyes burned from the tears and I couldn't believe how much I had cried that day. I felt like a bitch. After I had finished about half, I dropped the spoon back into the bowl. "I can't do it." I covered my eyes with my hands. "You can, you just need to believe in yourself." That was the problem; I didn't believe in myself. "All you need to do is finish one bowl. After, you can go right to sleep."

Knowing that I could sleep my pain away, was the only reason that I finished the bowl. It took a while, but I managed. I won't lie, it felt good to have food in my stomach, but then again, I felt too much guilt. Nurse Wendy wrapped her arms around me as I wept. "Congratulations, you've finished the hardest meal of your life."

I cried all night long.