Thin Ice

Confrontation

       My second day was the day I realized how badly the next few months were going to suck. It was a cloudy Saturday, but it wasn't raining. I was sitting at the bench under the window, watching the cars and people below pass by. The hospital I was at was in Battle Creek, so I had a view of Kellogg City. It was kind of pretty, except for the fact that it was Kellogg City, as in the cereal brand. Looking out the window everyday and seeing a city named after a food brand, was not my idea of a 'view,' especially for the circumstances. Looking down at the city, I couldn't help but wonder how the people down below felt. Were any of the teenagers going through what I was going through? Had any of the adults beaten this awful disease? It was hard to tell. Even if the answer was yes, I still felt as if none of them understood what I was going through.

       Jackie talked to my mom last night. She told me that my mom understood why I didn't want to talk to her, but I was going to have to talk to her eventually. Since Jake and Emily wanted to see me, I decided that I would talk to everyone individually today. Nurse Wendy knocked on my door and greeted me with a "Hey Aeron, your lunch is ready." She placed the tray on my bed, then sat down; waiting for me to follow. I still felt full after last night, I wasn't sure if I'd be able to finish everything. I sat down, then looked back up at Wendy. "Do I have to finish everything?" I hesitated when I asked. She shook her head yes. Fuck, I thought to myself. Every time I ate, I had to quickly think of ways to burn off the calories. If I was ever forced to eat a meal, I would only eat a fourth of what was handed to me. Of course, I threw it up afterwards.

"Why don't we talk while you eat, it'll take your mind off of the food." She said to me, I snapped out of my thoughts. "Okay, what do you want to know?" I asked, assuming this was going to be like a therapy session. I took a small bite out of the sandwich I was given. I thought about how many carbs were in the bread; I wanted to panic. "Well, why don't we start off with your story? How did you end up here?" She folded her hands. I wasn't expecting her to get so deep that fast. "Like, from the beginning?" I asked, taking a smaller bite from my sandwich. She nodded her head and said "Everything stays between you and me, okay?"

To be honest, I wasn't exactly sure where to begin. "I guess it all kind of started when my parents got divorced." I started to speak softer, as I restricted myself from breaking down. "My mom was stressed all the time and she didn't have much help, so she sent us to stay at her stepbrother's house." My face felt hot. "I never thought I was heavy before that, but then, my uncle told me that I was "Chubby," and I started to think differently about myself. It started with eating a little healthier and a little less, and then I started exercising. After I started losing weight, I started to push people away." I paused, taking a breath. "I started hurting myself, because I felt so alone. I had a seizure last night, and now, I'm here." My hands were shaking; my eyes filled with tears. Wendy sighed, then looked at me seriously. "Aeron, do you know why you're here? Like, do you know exactly why you're here?" I looked down at the food. The Doctors hadn't exactly told me anything about my condition, they just told me that I needed to eat. "Is it because I'm not eating enough?" I asked her, already knowing the answer. "Yeah, but it's not just that." I looked at her seriously. She said "Aeron, you have Anorexia."

       That word hit me like a brick. Although Jenna and Emily had mentioned that they thought I had it, no one ever told me straight to my face that that's what was wrong with me. "So, what does that mean?" I sniffled as I asked her. She stood up from her chair, then sat down beside me, wrapping both of her hands on my shoulders, she said "Well, people with anorexia usually see themselves as fat and do everything they can to lose weight. You've lost 30 pounds, Aeron. Do you honestly feel any skinnier?" I wiped my eyes. "Honestly?" I asked, looking back up at her. "Honestly." She responded. "No, I almost feel worse than I did before." She could tell that I was shaking. I wasn't just shaking, I was having an anxiety attack.
This wasn't the first time that I'd had an anxiety attack. I had them all the time at home; usually, once a week. I didn't tell Wendy that. I took another bite of my sandwich; this time, bigger than before. I realized that I wanted to get better. Not necessarily wanting to gain weight, just being okay with it. "When do you think I can go home?" I asked her. I was a bit shocked when she responded with "If you're lucky, you might be out of here by October." I held back tears. November was too far away. I'd miss so much in just a few months. I would miss almost an entire semester of 8th grade.

Wendy proceeded to tell me that my goal weight was 85lbs. It worried me, because that meant I'd have to gain 18lbs in a short amount of time. When you're being treated, you're supposed to gain 2.5lbs per week. I used to lose that much in a week. This was going to be a lot worse than I thought. "Do you think my mom knows that I cut?" She nodded her head. I began to worry.

Sitting in that hospital, I often wondered what everyone else thought about the situation. It didn't seem like anyone really noticed that something was wrong until I ended up here. I wasn't sure if my eating disorder was expected, or if it was a shock to everyone else. Either way, I don't think anyone was really affected by it. Except for maybe Brooke. God, I missed her.

Once I finished everything on my plate, I felt absolutely sick. My skin felt like it was screaming, stretching. I wanted to run to the bathroom and get rid of everything, but something had stopped me. For some reason, I stayed put. After nearly an hour of sitting in there, watching Freeform on the TV attached to the wall, there was a knock at my door. To my surprise, Emily was standing there. She carefully walked up to me, then sat across from me on the bed. Squeezing my hand, she asked "How are you?" I responded with "Fine." I noticed that Jake was standing in the doorway, but he didn't walk in. "I'm sorry, Em." I said to her, looking down. "You don't have to apologize, you can't help it." I felt awful about what happened the night before. I probably scared the hell out of her and Jake. He finally stepped in, then stood behind Emily.

       Like the day before, I cried a lot. I was scared and embarrassed and I felt absolutely awful. "Fuck." I muttered, covering my eyes with my free hand. "I'm sorry." I repeated again, apologizing for crying like a little bitch. Just then, I realized that I had rolled down my sleeves while I was eating, then forgot to pull them back up. My wrists revealed everything. All the things I had wanted to say were written across my wrists. Jake was the first to notice. He grabbed my arm, then said "Why do you think that?". I had completely forgotten that the word "Ugly" was carved into my right arm. I covered my eyes and began to sob harder. Emily wrapped me into her arms. "I fucking love you, Aeron." She whispered to me. "I love you too." I began shaking again.

***

       Emily had wrapped her arms completely around my pencil thin waist. She rested her head on my hard, and clearly visible ribcage. She fell asleep laying beside me, refusing to leave my side. Jake kept pacing around the room, trying to wrap his head around everything that was happening. "So, you've been hiding this for months?" He asked me. "Pretty much," I responded. "Holy shit," he stopped pacing and looked down. "How much did they say you lost?" He questioned me. I saw no reason to lie to him, "just about 30lbs," I responded.

       He sighed. This was a very familiar sigh. A sigh of disappointment. I had heard it from my mother, I had heard it from my father, I had heard it from Aidan, from Aileen, from Jenna, from Brooke, from nurse Wendy and now I'm hearing it from Jake. "Well, are you like okay?" He seemed worried for me, I wish he wasn't. I wish Emily wasn't either. "I guess, I'm fine." That wasn't a total lie either. All of my test results came back okay; my heart was alright, it was just that I was malnourished and dehydrated. Mentally, however, was a completely different story.

       Suddenly, Jake's eyes filled with tears. "How could you do something like this, Aer? I mean, what if something happened to you?" I hadn't seen Jake cry in a really long time. "You're like my brother. What the hell would I do without you?" He sat down next to me, I grabbed his arm "nothing happened, I'm still here." I felt guilty for making Jake upset. I still didn't understand why he cared so much. "If we waited any longer, you might not be," tears started to fall onto his cheeks.

       Jake was a lot tougher than I was; I don't mean physically, but mentally. It took a lot to make him upset, when any minor thing could ruin my day. "Don't cry, please don't cry," I whispered, trying my best not to start crying myself. "Please, Aeron," his voice was shaky. "Try and get better."