Nothing But A Memory

Chapter 5- L o s t

It hasn't been that long since mom got deported but it feels like an eternity without her. I can't remember clearly what it was like with her here, next to me, holding me. I can't remember what her goodnight kisses felt like or the sound of her voice or what she smelled like. As much as she got on my nerves at times, she cared and loved me more than I could put into words. That's what love from the mother is, and for it to be stripped away from me so suddenly without warning when I need it most was soul crushing. I may be able to physically live without her but not emotionally, not when I still need her guidance and advice to become a good mannered young woman. Who is going to show me how to sew, to learn what's an abusive relationship and which isn't, to do laundry and so much more. She's only a 45 minute plane ride away, she's still alive, probably worried out of her mind like she always has been my whole life. How do I learn right from wrong in a world where higher powers think it's okay to separate families, to kick out those who are only trying to see another day, those whose only wish to work and provide opportunities for their children they couldn't have themselves. My mom and her family risked it all, leaving behind everything she knew to make sure I would never have to know it's like to live in a communist country.

I'm supposed to be getting a video call from mom when I'm at Crossfit. What do I even say? I haven't burned the house down. I haven't seen dad since he got his second job and it's like I live alone. What the hell happened that you had to be stripped away from me so quickly?

It's already 6:45 am and I can't seem to find the energy inside of me to get out of bed and face so many people that could give less of a fuck what I'm dealing with. I find myself curled up in a ball shaking violently, hot tears running down my cheeks as I try to remember what my mom looked like and I can't seem to remember. I drag myself out of bed, still crying, and unwillingly put on my uniform. I make a black coffee to match my mood and grab a banana before driving to school.

I spent the school day talking only when necessary, mostly a shit ton of "I'm fines." I felt like an outsider observing as I watched everyone around me smiling and laughing, having the time of their lives while I wonder if living like this is even living at all. Like I'm submerged under water wailing my arms around in hopes of being saved, only for everyone else to keep on living without as much as a glance at me.

My skirt fit looser today, I had to put on a belt for once and my shirt felt baggy, something I didn't think I would ever feel.

In my car waiting for a chance to leave, a hot tear runs down my cheek and that's all it took for me to break down in my car after school. I grabbed at the fabric of my shirt by my heart, squeezing a fist hoping this feeling won't last forever and my savior will save me soon enough. I thought back to when David and Anthony noticed my drop in weight.

"Are you still on a diet?" David asks and I nod, not wanting to speak.

"You look really skinny..." He says as he glances over my thinner figure.

"I've lost 25 pounds..." I say under my breath but he heard me.

"What?! That's so bad! In only a few weeks?" I nod feeling ashamed.

I can't help my lack of appetite. It's not like I'm not eating anything at all. I know I should be eating more and drinking more water but I just want to be curled up into a ball all day.

As soon as I step into my house, I drop everything at the door and fall to my knees my hand going to clench at the fabric by my heart where it hurts the most. My cat strolled over like she does and rubs against me meowing for attention. I pet her as best I could through my glassy eyes before just picking her up to hug her.

I changed into my pajamas and laid down on my bed staring at the ceiling, the only thing I could feel is my aching chest and sting in my eyes from my salty tears. I looked over to my mom's bed and quickly covered my mouth to muffle my cries. I curled into a ball away from the sight of mom's bed, I cried myself to sleep thinking about the call I'll receive in just a few hours.

When it comes to video calls from Cuba, only they can call us if not the call doesn't go through. I don't know all the technicalities, I'm just glad it exists.

I wake up drowsy from my "nap" and check the time to see it was 6:45 pm. I quickly got dressed and drove to Crossfit, my stomach in knots as I awaited the call.

"Hi!" Gaby exclaimed once she saw me walk in.

"Hi." I tried to be as happy as her but I couldn't find it within myself.