Nothing But A Memory

Chapter 15- F e a r

Author's note- This chapter can be triggering to those who have experienced sexual violence, read with caution!! Also this chapter is longer than most because I go over everything leading up to the kidnap and rape. Please keep in mind this is a lot of people's reality, women and men alike.

I dragged my feet that were covered in white socks, wrapping my sweater covered arms around my thin waist as I pulled back the door to an empty fridge. The dim light from the fridge illuminating the dark desolate house. There's a beach wod coming up but I don't even know if I can bring myself to go. I've gone every time since I started but that was before. Everything has changed now. I'm not the same person anymore as much as I wish I was. I've always loved and embraced change but this kind of change is one that I would never ask for.

I can't seem to stop curling myself into a ball since my limbs we're spread and locked down against my will. I keep wrapping my arms around myself in hopes I could comfort myself but all it does is make me feel weak for not being able to bring myself up again. I spent an entire week wide awake, my mind in replay as I went over everything that led up to the rape.

I thought back to when I ran away and Danny unknowingly told me of what was soon to come...

"I only ran away for a night, not snorted cocaine or some shit." Although I always could have but I'm more of a strong liquor girl.

"You could have hurt yourself, maybe even gotten raped-"

I can't seem to get the old christmas music out of my head. Isn't christmas music supposed to be something that reminds you of happy times. I held myself as I cried in the dark yet again. I've seen countless posts on Instagram about picking yourself up after crying and how strong it makes someone. Would I still be considered strong if I'm constantly crying or on the verge to? How come no one has ever called me strong? Why do I feel the need to hear it from somebody to be able to call myself strong? Nobody ever sees me cry, except for lately when I've been having mental breakdowns in public. Typically I can hold it all in until I'm alone but it's felt like all fucks are out the window and I don't care who sees me breakdown.

I get in the car my chest rising and falling quickly, a disapproving look on Ivan's face.

"What?" I ask out of breath

"I don't like you walking around with your skirt that high, it's really provocative Nat." I slap him with all my might and he quickly reacts turning in his seat to choke me, holding my head down on the head rest.

"I'd be careful if I were you..." He hisses in my ear looking down at my skirt that had risen up my thighs, exposing my pink panty.

"You see that shit." He nods to my panty and I nod in fear of his capabilities, my heart banging against my chest.

"You can't be walking around showing off your panty like that...I want to be the only one who knows what kind of panties your wearing, got it?" He pinches my clit and I nod desperately complying with his requests.

Little did I know he probably is gonna be the last guy that ever saw my panties because now I fear nudity and the touch of a human being. He was abusive and I was so caught up with not being alone for once, I let him do whatever he pleased and didn't even matter if I put him in place or not because he never learned his lesson.

I think back to when he used to turn me on, it's such a foreign feeling. The same guy that once turned me on, has now left me scared to feel such a feeling. It feels wrong almost to be turned on like if it would mean I didn't really get raped and it's all in my head.

"You want something?" I tease moving my panty to the side as I rub myself

"Your such a fucking tease, god." He complains but his hard bulge says otherwise.