Nothing But A Memory

Chapter 20- F r e e

My junior year starts in 4 days. I already packed everything and have my uniform laid out. Looking at my skirt I'm reminded of the day I teased Ivan hiking up my skirt and tried to get David jealous. How did my life come to this. Since I wrote down everything I've been feeling, I stopped crying only now I'm numb. I thought I wanted to be numb, to not feel my heart ache for once but I don't like it. Being so emotionless and numb scares me, I feel like a stranger in my own body. I'm glad I could finally get my heart to stop aching and the constant waterfall of tears. I didn't know my body had enough water to cry for a whole summer, I thought I was dehydrated. It still feels strange to wake up with Danny sleeping beside me, waking up in an entirely different environment.

"Hey while you were in the bathroom and eating breakfast, I got more of your stuff from your house." Danny handed me my old laptop and put the pile of my clothes on top of the bed to put away later.

"Wow." I say as I go through all my old writing drafts. There's scenarios I wrote from two years ago that I completely forgot about.

I opened one that looked interesting

I bit my lip refraining from pushing him against a wall and kiss his soft looking big lips. We could be having sex in the backseat of your car right now but no, I just had to promise myself I would take things slow. Why did I start getting so horny the second I started high school. I wasn't this horny in middle school. Maybe it's because guys are actually taller than me and look so much sexier. I don't know why, but it hit me so hard the second I saw him.

We have P.E. together so you already know how ugly I'm gonna look. He looks so out of my league. Like, there is no reason for someone like him to possibly want someone like me. I mean sure, I'm not the biggest girl here but that doesn't mean I'm not insecure. The locker room is hell. It's the worst place for insecure people like me. Having to change in front of all these pretty girls. It's not very easy.

Literally the most smallest things have been turning me on lately. For example, if someone told me or I read somewhere the words "Faster, Faster" or "Deep" Maybe it's because I have a dirty mind but I've had a dirty mind for a while the things I feel when I hear those words I didn't feel before. I'm sure it's normal but kind of hard to get used to.

All I feel like doing is making out with that cute guy in my PE class and rip off all of his clothes and show him everything I've been hiding for so long. As big as my desire to fuck him is, I know that once it ends, everything would get awkward. And I hate feeling awkward.

It's hard to believe I used to think and write like this. I used to be such a horny freshman and now I'd be lucky if I could feel even the slightest bit turned on. It's weird because I used to have problems and thought I had gone through emotional pain but now looking back on it, I didn't have a clue what emotional pain is. It feels like me from two years ago and me now, are completely different people not even in a I've grown and changed kind of way like two completely different people with completely different struggles.

"Do you wanna go out for lunch like around 2 pm? I found this new restaurant and I wanted to try it out, I don't know if you wanna invite any of your friends." Danny says as he slips on a t-shirt.

"Um, yeah I'll ask Gaby and David." I grab my phone from the counter and sent them both a quick text.