Nothing But A Memory

Chapter 7- R u n

I can't keep pretending like everything is okay. I need to get away, clear my head. My weight keeps plummeting and if I can’t control it, I could become anorexic. I used to weigh 160 pounds and now I weigh 120 pounds in only a few weeks. It gives me a stomach ache to eat a lot of food now. I can’t even recognize myself in the mirror, I don’t look or feel myself anymore. The only thing that makes sense to me right now, in a whirlwind of confusion, is to run away as far as I can get. I can stay at a motel for the night and just drive until I can find a place to collect my thoughts.

It’s the last week of school, there’s no bookbags, and we leave at 12:20 pm instead of 2:20 pm. I brought a small handbag for my keys and money so nobody would suspect anything wrong. I didn’t even want to come today, I just need attendance. I packed a duffel bag full of my belongings, filled all the food bowls for my cat and dog, I brought with me two pictures, one of each my parents back in Cuba. They look so young, innocent almost if it weren’t for communism. I stayed quiet a majority of the day, except in lunch when David felt it was necessary to start conversation.

“Hey.” He gave me a small smile as he put down his lunch and sat down across from me. I only glanced, going back to playing with my little salad.

“Hi.” I mumbled, to be nice.

“How are you feeling?”

“Like shit.” I decide to be blunt.

“Oh, um, well have you talked to Ivan?”

“No why? Are you jealous?” I cross my arms leaning on the table to stare him down.

“What? Of course not. I-I’m dating somebody…”

“Oh.” I can’t deny the pang of hurt that hit my heart hearing that.

“What’s her name?” I decide to be nice and pretend to be interested. Is it bad I want him all for myself?

“Selena, she’s a senior you probably don’t know her…”

I nod playing with my salad.

“Have you been eating?”

“When I have the appetite.”

“I’m worried about you-”

“I never asked you to, okay! I can take care of myself!” I lash out on him grabbing my lunch in hand, as I storm to the bathroom with blurry vision.

I get into the first available stall I could see and as soon as I lock the door I break, revealing how actually feel. A broken, confused, angry teenage girl that can’t seem to get anything right or going for her.

I put my bag on the hook of the door and hold onto the wall to steady myself as I sit down on the toilet. I cover my mouth to muffle my cries as I shake violently, hot tears running down my cheeks.

I feel guilty. He didn’t deserve to be lashed out on. He cares about me, which I can’t say for everyone. Even when you’re  independent you need to realize when to ask for help and a shoulder to cry on. I can’t keep putting up this shield and mask that everything is fine, I’m just tired. Keeping everything bottled up, has never done any good for me, but I’m scared. Scared to be vulnerable, open, to not be understood. I know I can’t be the only one going through all this but how will I know who I’m opening up to won’t betray me or we stop being friends after some time. It’d have to somebody I can trust, who wouldn’t leave me.

It’s ironic how I always worry of people leaving me when I’m always the one leaving. I guess I like to protect myself.

I hear the late bell ring and I wipe away any stray tears, blowing my nose, trying to appear as if I didn’t just have a breakdown. I sit down in my usual seat and put my head down for the remainder of class.