Nothing But A Memory

Chapter 19- M o v e i n

Happiness feels unreachable. This weight on my shoulders is too much for me to carry. I dont want to feel my heart ache anymore, I dont want to feel anything. I want to be numb, to feel anything than what Im feeling right now. I stare at the 6 bottles of alcohol sitting on a rack, just begging to be consumed by the broken.

I never liked the taste of alcohol burning my throat but for some reason, tonight the burning was better than the aching. I promised myself to never go down this path, drinking away the pain. I know the pain will still be there once I sober up, a problem without solving but I didnt wanna think about that. I dont wanna think at all, thats probably how I ended up with the sharpest knife in my kitchen pressed against the dry pale skin of my wrist.

My hands couldnt stop shaking. I couldnt stop crying. I couldnt console myself. I couldnt stop replaying my nightmare of a reality over and over again.

FUCK! MOAN YOU SLUT! STOP PRETENDING LIKE I DONT TURN YOU ON! He yells in my face but I had no reaction.

I cant control myself around you He bit his bottom lip as his hands traveled my body. He thought of me as a sex doll, so I was just that, a motionless lifeless corpse for him to fuck. I was slapped across the face and slashed with a knife across my stomach, thighs, and arms.

I slashed my wrist as I thought of the look in Ivans eyes as he took every drop of my innocence, draining me to become a traumatized, broken ball of tears.

Shot after shot of tequila, the effects quickly kicked in and took over my senses.

Nat? I heard Dannys voice but wasnt I at home?

What. I slur tripping over my own feet, the ground moving beneath me. I dont remember walking or driving to crossfit.

Are you drunk? I felt his hands on me and quickly pushed him away, scared to feel anything other than numb.

Whats the workout? I try to walk over to the bars.

No, you clearly shouldnt be lifting right now.

I look at the computer displaying the workout to see it was 10 shoulder to overhead and 20 calories on the assault bike for 4 rounds in under 20 minutes.

I tried to do a shoulder to overhead but felt my wrist tear and thats when the panic kicked in.

What happened? Danny looks back and forth between my wrist, that I was cradling, and my eyes.

Nothing, my wrist hurts. I try to brush it off and go to the bathroom to stop the bleeding but I was too late. Before I could even go inside, blood fell from my wrist to the floor and down my forearm.

Oh my god. Danny rushed me into the office where theres a first aid kit.

Im fine, its fine. I slurred as I tried to stop the bleeding without his help.

What the hell has gotten into you? Danny scolds me as he makes me sit down on a office chair to wrap my wrist.

Its not my fault I cry

That you cut yourself? He says as he tries to clean off the trail of blood.

That I'm so scared of everything and I cant handle the pain in my chest!

Did something happen? Danny stops cleaning me up to look into my defeated brown eyes.

Some truck catcalled me and did a U turn, I thought it was gonna happen again I whisper barely audible especially with the distant blasting music.

Thats why youre drunk too He finally gets the picture.

I wanted to be numb.

Theres better ways to deal with this-