The Garden Of Larry

Dear Louis.....

(Harry)

It was now around 6:30 pm when I sat down at my computer desk staring for what felt like ages at it's medium-sized screen. I honestly didn't know what to write. After dropping off Louis' gift I started working on part two of my plan. I was going to write him a letter of apology and hope it's good enough for him to atleast forgive me for what I've done. I know it was terrible, but it's been months now and I'm hoping we can atleast move passed this. I'd rather us not be together if it meant that he atleast didn't hate me. Though I would rather us be together again because I'm not sure if it's even possible to live without Lou.

I leave my desk to get something to snack on and something to drink while I work on my letter. I come back moments later with a coconut water and some carrot sticks. I've been trying to be healthy ever since Lou kicked me out. Though most of the time I rarely ate anything at all. I really didn't feel like I deserved to eat when I hurt him so much. I broke him all because I wanted s#x. That's seriously one of the most stupid reasons to cheat on someone. It's also one of the worst ways to ever cheat on someone.

I tried to focus on the letter I was about to write as I looked at the screen. I looked at my new desktop picture and it helped me figure out what to write.

Dear Louis,

I have to start off by saying I'm sorry. I know I've hurt you and I'm really sorry. I can't tell you how many times I've called myself an idiot in the mirror. I am an idiot and that's that. I should have valued you more than I was because the truth is, I never deserved you. From the very beginning I knew you deserved better. I mean, I literally knocked you onto the cold pavemented sidewalk when we met. Sure, I bought you a tea and wasn't able to afford my own drink and that was partially a punishment, but I should have watched where I was going. I guess you could say we may never have met if I had been paying attention to my surroundings and I'm glad I met you. I didn't deserve to meet you though. Our very first memory together what of me hurting you and yet you still managed to turn that into something positive.

Now I wasn't planning on writing to you to tell you how terrible I am and how much you've always deserved better, because I'm sure you already know that. I'm writing to you to tell you how sorry I am for hurting you. I know I already said it in the beginning but it's true. The minute you kicked me out I moved into a rubbishly small condo with almost no room to breathe. That's what I deserve. I'm not saying this so you can feel sorry for me because believe me, I deserve all that I'm getting. I just want you to know that I'm making sure that I don't treat myself any better than the terrible piece of shit that I am. I wish that I could take it back but we both know that I can't. I hope that one day you'll forgive me atleast and that we can move passed this. Though I'd understand if you don't want to do that.

I hope you received my gift and that you like it. I hope that one day you'll be able to have that dream house of yours because you deserve it, Louis. You deserve everything and anything and I'm sorry I couldn't give that to you. I hope that you're doing better these days and are happy or atleast close to it. I understand why you don't want me to see Anthony and I'll respect that because even though I've messed up, I love you. I will always love you and I'll cherish our memories together for as long as I'm still alive. I wish we could be together but I'll understand if you feel as though you need to move on without me. I just hope that whoever gets to be with you next treats you the way you deserve plus way more than I ever treated you. I want only the best for you and I'm sure that's not me.

I want to make this abundantly clear, you better not feel any bit of regret for moving on with someone new. I really hope that if you move on that you never feel like you're betraying me in any way because you're not. Knowing you, you're too kind to think that it's okay, but you have to do what makes you happy. I want you to make sure that you get the absolute best out of everything in life. That's what you've always deserved and I should have given you that luxury.

I want you to know that I'm sorry that I didn't respect you enough. You told me in the very beginning that you weren't comfortable with s#x and I said that I was okay with that. I said that I understood that and that we'd be okay. Instead of keeping that unspoken promise, I broke it and hurt you terribly. You know they say that you never really appreciate what you have until it's gone? Well, I obviously didn't really appreciate you enough and now that you're gone, I'm honestly really lost. I miss everything about you and wish that this never happened. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you. I did the very thing that I promised to you in our vows that I would never do and that's why I know that I don't deserve you.

I am really hoping that atleast for this Christmas, and maybe more, that you would let me spend Christmas with you and Anthony. I really want to atleast spend one more Christmas. I have presents and I want to end this properly if you'll allow me too. If you let me have this one last Christmas then I will leave you both alone and you'll never have to worry about hearing from me again. I may not be very good at promises, but this promise will definitely not be broken. It's up to you what you want to do. Again, I am very sorry for all the pain I have caused you, Louis. I hope to hear from you soon on regards to whether or not I can spend one last Christmas with you too.

All the love,

Harry xxxxx

I took a very deep breath and then finally hit send. I was very nervous but I knew I had to send it or else I would never know. I awaited Louis' reply.

I wasn't quite sure if I was reading correctly. I got a notification that someone had sent me an email and it was Louis! I quickly opened it up and prepared myself for a terrible response just in case. It wouldn't surprise me if he had decided to decline my request for one last Christmas. It was a lot to ask for even if some might not understand why. I scrolled to the very beginning of the letter-like email and began to read it.

Dear Harry,

I'm not sure why I'm really replying to this because I technically have a right not to. I just wanted to say that I can't forgive you. Atleast not just yet. You really did hurt me and you promised that you wouldn't. Hearing that you're basically torturing yourself doesn't actually make me feel better. Smarten up and take care of your d@mn self. I really don't think it's a very good idea having you here for Christmas. It would create hope for our relationship where there is none. I can't allow you this Christmas and I'm not even sure about any in the future. Maybe Anthony can spend time with you on the 26ths, but not until I think it's a good idea. Anthony misses you and I'm afraid he might not be able to handle it if you or I make it seem like everything is back to normal. I don't want to make this harder for him than it already is. I appreciate that you took the time to write to me and the apologies because honestly, it took you a long d@mn time to. I shouldn't have yelled on the phone to you and I hope you'll take care of yourself from now on. Thank you for the presents you say you have for us and I would like it if you drop them off. I also want to thank you for the model of my dream house. It must have taken you a long time to make, so thank you. That doesn't excuse what you've done, but it makes me a little less pissed at you. Anyways, I hope you have a good Christmas and maybe call your mum.

-Louis

I'm surprised that he even replied and I'm even more surprised that he said no to allowing me to come over for Christmas. Not even just for a few minutes or so. I miss Anthony like crazy. I know what I did was wrong, but why punish me? Two wrongs don't magically make a right. I decided that I'd have a Christmas party. I'm not sure who I'll invite though. I don't really have any friends besides Liam and he's mad at me.