The Fault in Our Infinities

Chapter 4: Metaphorical Questions

I don't see Augustus Waters for days afterwards.

It frustrates me, and upsets me, but I think I understand what is going on. He's finally realised that I am going to cause him nothing but pain. He's avoiding me, but I'm not so offended anymore. I have come to see that there is more to Augustus that what I originally thought.

"Are you listening to me?" Kaitlyn nudges me, a frown on her face. I shrug.

"Kind of." I say, looking over her shoulder, across the courtyard. As if drawn to my thoughts, Gus stands there, talking animatedly with Isaac. He hasn't seen me yet, so I take the opportunity to stare at him, to admire his beauty. He really is beautiful. There is no other way to explain him. As I watch him, he pulls out a packet of cigarettes. My wistful longing plummets and anger brims.

"Excuse me," I say to Kaitlyn, not waiting for a response as I kick the tank back violently and breeze past her. I keep my eyes fixed on Gus, who now has a cigarette wedged between his lips. A smirk curves at his mouth at Isaac's next words, but I am too furious to hear them.

Gus doesn't notice me until I am almost standing in front of him. "Oh," He says, blinking, the cigarette bobbing up and down between his lips, waving like a red flag. "Hi, Hazel Grace."

"How could you?" I ask, quietly. "How could you stick that...thing in your mouth and not feel the shame of what you are doing?"

He looks confused for a moment and then light dawns in his eyes. He flicks the cigarette between his fingers, holding it up for me to see. "You mean this?"

I nod, stone-faced. "I thought you were better than that." I hiss. "You promise friendship to someone who spends every single day of their life struggling for more air into their lungs and you're just willing to get rid of yours!"

"More for you, I guess." He smirks, shifting his weight to regard me. "What do you care, anyway?"

"I have freaking lung cancer, prick."

"Are you two going to fight again?" Isaac asks. "It seems like you spend more time fighting than you do being friends."

I whip around to retort but Augustus interrupts me.

"Hazel Grace, it's a metaphor."

I narrow my eyes, scanning his face for some kind of hint that this may all be just a joke. "What?"

He regards the cigarette thoughtfully. It's then that I realise that he still hasn't lit it.

"It's a metaphor, see; you put the killing thing right between your teeth, but you don't give it the power to do its killing." He nods his head, a smirk playing at his lips. "I never lit one."

Embarrassment pools inside me, twisting at my insides. "Oh." I say. Humiliation and anger burn inside me and I can't stop the words that leave my lips, despite regretting them instantly. "That's the most stupid thing I have ever heard."

He shrugs, placing the cigarette between his teeth very obviously. I roll my eyes and huff. Isaac spots Monica and leaves us alone and suddenly, I am very conscious of how close we are, of his eyes on mine. I am acutely aware of his presence.

"Hazel Grace, are you going to be at the barn dance tomorrow night?"

I blink, surprised at his words. "I didn't even know there was one."

He runs a hand through his mahogany hair, staring at me calmly. "We make a big deal of them around here."

"We're not anywhere near the country." I feel compelled to point this out. "We're in the middle of a city."