The Fault in Our Infinities

Chapter 9: Distorted Thoughts

The next few weeks drag by. I don't see Gus much – we're both too caught up with mid-term exams and reading assignments. The poking of the pen in my spine lessens to once or twice a class and Augustus doesn't invite me out on anymore 'trips'.

Honestly, it's the most glum few weeks of my life.

I hadn't noticed how depressed I had been before I met Gus. I'd been unhappy, desolate and...angry. I was angry at the world and all that it had deprived of me. I was angry at my situation, at my ill-fated future. I was so depressed that I was accepting of a death I didn't deserve.

When I am around Augustus, I feel different. I feel special...alive. I feel like I am more than just a meaningless pawn on a chess board. I am the queen. I can go anywhere, be anyone. With Augustus, I am more than just Hazel, the girl with cancer. I am Hazel Grace Lancaster, the girl with new-found excitement and adrenaline. I don't hate the world anymore. Not now that I have seen how beautiful it can be. I am finally experiencing what it is to live. I dread my inevitable death, dread the time when I have to leave Augustus Waters alone. Sometimes it's healthy to feel that kind of trepidation. It reminds you that we are not owed minutes, hours, years. We do not have a right to time. In fact, we borrow it. And some day, we have to give it back.

"Do you fear death?" Kaitlyn asks me, her words uncanny to my own thoughts.

"Yes." I say. "I didn't, but now I do."

"Oh." She files her nails distractedly. "I thought that...having cancer and all...you wouldn't be afraid."

"I'm terrified." I respond, flicking through the pages of An Imperial Affliction. "Cancer doesn't take that fear away. Depression takes that fear away. The desire to live is innate, Kaitlyn. Unless you have a distorted mind, warped thoughts, you want to live. You want to carry on to see the next day."

She stays quiet, pondering my words. Eventually, she says, "It must be weird, knowing you might not wake up one day."

I shrug. "I take each day how it comes."

"But you're afraid."

I think of Augustus, who is scared of oblivion. Part of me is frightened of it too. The fear of nothingness is a sub-conscious fear, built within us. Gus is just smart enough to realise that.

Kaitlyn changes the subject, a smile on her face. "We're going to a club tonight."

I groan. "In the middle of exam season? Really?"

"Hazel!" She moans, dragging my name out in a whine. "You must have fun, girl! Catch a break!"

"What, you want me to come?" I say dubiously.

She nods slowly, as though she is talking to a dim-witted child. "I wouldn't mention it if I didn't want you to come."

"I don't know." I say, unsure. "I mean...I can't dance much."

"Sure you can!"

"No, Kaitlyn." I say, and now it is my turn to adopt a patronising tone. "While my lungs suck at being lungs, I can't dance."

"I saw you dancing with Augustus at the barn dance."

"That was different." I lie. "Besides, club dancing is a little bit different to barn dancing."

She sulks. "But come anyway? Lover boy might be coming if Monica can persuade Isaac to come."

I blush. "Augustus is not 'lover boy'." I growl, embarrassed. "Anyway, I didn't know Monica and Isaac were back together."

"They're not." She says nonchalantly. "I think she slept with him the other night but they're not officially 'back on.'" She uses finger quotations to emphasise. "Isaac has a real soft spot for her. Why can't I find a guy like that? She has Isaac, you have Augustus."