The Fault in Our Infinities

Chapter 17: Dangerous Games

The hustle and bustle of the next day takes me completely by surprise. Mum is nowhere to be seen; she's dedicated all her time to helping the Waters' family with the wedding set up – apparently, Augustus' parents do not want to see the decorations until they are due to be married.

They decided to get married in a hotel. Not something as prestigious and expensive as the Atlantis Hotel, but not something too shabby either. They've gone for classy and affordable and I respect them for it.

It is difficult to gain Gus' attention throughout the day. We cross each other's paths in the hallway of the hotel in which say, sliding each other covert glances and secret smiles, but we do not actually speak. After a while, I grow bored of sitting in my room rereading An Imperial Affliction and decide to venture out instead.

I don't go far; I don't forget that we are in a foreign country and that I am completely alone. But I do stroll down nearby streets. The famous Dubai Mall is nearby and I take a peek inside.

The first thing I notice is the people. There are so many freaking people. It is completely overcrowded, a mixture of races, genders and ages milling the shops. As I turn into the nearest shop – a fashion store – I hear several different languages, some harsh and abrupt and others utterly beautiful and eloquent. I wish I could speak in such beautiful tongues. There's something so exotic about being able to speak another language.

I find it ironic that the first shop I enter whilst in Dubai is, actually, Italian. La Perla, the famous lingerie store opens before me and my sight is invaded by beautifully shaped mannequins wearing beautifully sewn undies. I feel inadequate compared to the other shoppers – they are all of supermodel attractiveness and I am just me. A potato.

Nonetheless, I refuse to be deterred or scared off. I make my movement look completely natural as I wander into the nearest aisle, my eyes scanning the hangings with what I hope is a critical eye. I want to buy something here. I want to feel beautiful underneath, feel like a real woman. I blush slightly, thinking of Augustus. What if? I've never really given it much thought but what if we slept together?

I shake my head. I'm overthinking. Augustus and I only shared our first kiss last night and now I'm thinking of the ultimate experience. Besides, I don't even know if he would ever want to go there with me. The thought makes me feel slightly depressed but also more determined to buy something here. I don't live my life based on what ifs. If I want something, I won't be deterred by inadequacies and ifs.

I am all too aware of the other women in here. They eye me with a measure of disdain and sympathy. They stare at my cannula, which makes me feel like I have something between my teeth, or a massive wart on my nose, and they tut when I pick up scanty pale blue panties as if to say, 'She's wallowing in self-pity. Who could she possibly have to see her in those?'

It makes me mad but I'm used to this at home. Sure, I'm in Dubai, where I want to be a completely different person, lead a new life, just for a few days, but that doesn't mean I'm not used to their hurtful gazes. I slide my glance over them and they avert their eyes. I smile victoriously. I win.

I check the price tag and swallow. It's expensive but not so bad that I can't afford it. I have money saved up that Dad calls 'Future funds'. Except he and I have both accepted I kind of have no future.

"You'll be proud, Dad." I whisper, almost as if I am convincing myself. "One day, you'll appreciate my life choices. Even if it means your daughter may not always be boyfriendless."

I pick up the matching bra and drag my oxygen tank to the counter. The cashier seems to expect me to put the products down at any moment but I don't. I stare at her, as if challenging her to mention my disease. She doesn't. It isn't long before I'm out of the shop.