The Fault in Our Infinities

Chapter 24: Hail Oblivion

We know full well there's just time,

So is it wrong to dance this line?

If your heart is full of love,

Could you give it up?

...

How unfair, it's just our love,

Found something real that's out of touch.

But if you searched the whole wide world,

Would you dare to let it go?

...

What about, what about angels?

They will come, they will go, make us special.

Don't give me up.

Don't give me up.

- Birdy

Hazel Grace Lancaster

I slip in and out of consciousness over the next few hours. Night falls and it starts to rain hard, the drops pattering against the window. It's the only thing that punctures my awareness. The pain drives deep and I use the distraction of the rain patterns on the windows to absorb me while I wait for it to subside.

The next morning, my vision blurs and doesn't refocus. The doctors told me last night that they received the results of all my tests and it's confirmed; the cancer has spread. I lit up like a Christmas tree. It's everywhere. I am cancer and my cancer is me.

I blink slowly, not used to the hazy eyesight. That's when I notice the commotion outside. I spot my parents and Augustus' parents. They all clutch each other, my parents dry-eyed, Augustus' hysterical. I watch them with the air of someone who watches ants build their nest – vaguely interested but not so. I guess that's a side effect of dying – disinterest.

Eventually, I see a doctor try and separate Mr. and Mrs. Waters away from Mum and Dad, dragging them down the corridor. My parents talk outside my room, their heads bent together, whispering. Their eyes flicker to me a lot and I wonder what they're talking about. They're stressed – maybe there was something unexpected in my results. After a small while, they enter my room, shutting the door with a heavy, wearied sigh. Mum turns to me first and she closes her eyes, but not before I see the flash of regret, the expression of a mother who has to tell her daughter some bad news.

"What?" I ask, my throat dry. I haven't spoken to anyone since Gus left last night. "What's happened?"

"Honey," Mum sits down beside my bed and clutches my hand. I watch her, confused.

"Fran," says Dad, and there's something of a warning in his tone. My gaze switches to him and I bite my lip, a feeling of alarm washing through me. Something's changed. Something's different.

"What's happened?" I say again, more urgently this time. "Tell me."

"Hazel, sweetheart," Dad says, as he approaches my bed warily, as though he is approaching a tiger. "There's been an accident."

A weight drops in my stomach and my head tips back. I hear ringing and the sound of screaming deep within me. "No."

"Augustus trespassed the theme park, last night." Mum says quietly. I know what's coming. I don't want to hear it. "You told me before that he likes to think in the Ferris Wheel, right?"

"No." I say again. "No, no, this isn't happening."

A tear slips down her face. "We weren't going to tell you, Hazel. We didn't want you to...die...distressed."