EmPATHETICally Blind (A skinny love story)

Chapter 30: Not wanting but wanting to go.

       Emilee's POV:

Well, ya got what you wanted. I thought sadly to myself as I lay covered up in my blankets on my hammock, hair still wet from a shower and a big mug of steaming hot lemon tea next to me. My supper sat on it's plate, only a few bites taken out of it and neglected to rot on my dresser next to my door. 

After mom and dad had barged in with their news, I felt like I just got torn in half. One half of me was extatic. I would get to go back to my home, go to the beach every single day without having to drive a long distance to get there. I could see all my favorite teachers again. See my friends again.

        The other half of me started to cry as I felt like I was being ripped away from my best friend, who without me, would drink himself into a wakeless sleep by the next day. Ever since we started dating and I made him promise to at least try and stop drinking, to just talk to me instead, I found myself ruining my sleep schedule as he knocked on my window almost every night, begging me to just sit and talk with him to keep him from drinking.

And I loved Jane. Even though we only saw each other in school and the occasional sleepover, I would miss being with her. 

But I loved Matt. I really did. Being with him and seeing his smile was like looking at the California sunshine, and I couldn't get enough. The way my heart would skip a beat every time he'd link pinkies with me on the way to class. And I knew that I wasn't just wanting to stay here because it would break him, but because if I left him, California would suck.

But I missed home so so bad.

My mom and dad told me that it was me and Marcie's decision whether or not we wanted to be moved or not. Marcie was in college here, and moving colleges would be hard on her. But she said she didn't care either way. I could tell by her emotions that she really didn't. She was easily adjustable. So it was really down to me. 

        I stirred my tea with a raspberry dumdum (I lied when I told Matt I finished them, these would last me a while) and thought long and hard, switching between the two in my mind. I imagined scenarios in my head where I was back in California, laying in the sun, shopping at my favorite store in Cali Mall with all my girl friends, and even joke-flirting with my ex, who I surprisingly still got along with before I moved.

I also imagined a scenario where I lived here, in Iowa. Graduating high school, going to college, marrying Matt. It seemed just as picture perfect as well.

I called Jane.

        "Hello my dear!" She says in a sleep-filled voice. I realized quickly that she may have been in bed.

        "God, did I wake you up?" I ask.

        "Yeah. But it's fine. You okay? You sound sad."

        "I am. My uncle is better and my mom's job is offering like, double the pay and whatever to get her back. Which means I could possibly be moving back to California." I say.

        "Oh no, don't do that!" Her voice quickly becomes very awake and sad. I can practically feel the sadness coming through the phone.

        "It's kind of up to me, I haven't decided yet." I say.

        "And you're asking me? Emilee you know my answer. I want you here, in Iowa."

        "I know. I wanna be here too. But..." I couldn't finish. 

I knew how amazing this would be for my parents, but I felt like hannah montana where I had two lives now. I had one where I was back in California, and I had one here.

        I just didn't know which one I wanted.