Be My Sunflower

Netflix Dreams

I rolled my eyes at myself in the mirror, Josh was still yelling at me from the living room and I was upstairs in my bathroom. I fought the urge to cry because I felt like I needed to be strong. But this was an everyday occurrence, something always set him off and it always seemed to be me. How I breathed, how I moved, he didn't like me burping or farting, he hated my hair, I wasn't going out dressed like a muppet. Always something, always made me feel like the worst human being alive.

Why couldn't I make my husband happy? It was a mantra forever in my brain, I doubted it would ever go away.

"So you just come up here and ignore me!?" Josh snapped from behind me.

"I'm tired of fighting with you, especially over this." I wiped my miranda makeup off and tied my hair back in a low pony tail.

"I don't want you taking this show, Colleen. It's not a good time for you to be moving out of the country." He leaned on the shower crossing his arms, he seemed to calm down a little.

"I told you I'm not turning it down, because I've worked my ass off for this opportunity and I'd be stupid not to take it. Why aren't you happy for me? You know how hard I've been working!" I yelled, I hated yelling back.

"Colleen it's bad timing! That's it, of course I'm proud.  It it's not something you need to be focusing on right now, we wanted kids and stuff."

I was grateful that he couldn't read my mind because I was currently counting my blessings we never had children, as heartbreaking as it was to admit that. It's never felt right, I didn't know when it would. Bringing a baby into this mess seemed like the worst decision ever.

"My career is up and down, turning down the biggest thing that I could possibly ever get is out of the question. I don't know what tomorrow holds, question is are you seriously not going with me?" I asked, he yelled it at me earlier and I was devastated.

Josh hesitated and twisted his neck, "No! I'm not going with you."

I was dumbfounded, "So that's it? You're punishing me for taking the show?"

He nodded, "Looks that way." He stomped out of the bathroom and I let myself cry. I cried for a really long time because my head got stuffed up and it got dark outside. As I got into bed I flipped through twitter, everyone so unaware that Miranda got a show and I knew they would be so ecstatic.

I knew diving head first into the show could allow me to step away from him, hopefully miss him and make us stronger. Somehow I knew I was lying to myself, because after we got married everything went to hell. I heard the door open and knew he was coming to bed and I turned towards him hoping to cuddle and make up.

"You still leaving?" He mumbled into the darkness.

"Yes," I answered, "I don't want to fight anymore. Come snuggle me?" I asked.

He grabbed his pillow and I frowned, "Then I'm sleeping in the guest room."

"We don't have a guest room, you mean the Miranda room? That's kind of funny you hate her but you want to sleep in there with a million faces of her staring at you? Come on, come lay with me."

Josh sighed and grabbed his charger, "You chose this life, start practicing."

"Star practicing? Are you kidding me." I asked, I was never truly shocked at how ridiculously mean he was. Sometimes I felt like he hated me, I wondered how far fetched that was.

"Yeah you want to move across country and play pretend with a bunch of strangers then you don't need me." He was still so angry.

"Joshua I always need you! You're my husband, nobody's support means more to me than yours."

"I mean nothing if you choose to ignore what I want too. If you leave, I'm not going."

He left the room and I cried myself to sleep, I needed to accept that it would never happen. He's making this about him and I won't allow him to sour this opportunity.