Be My Sunflower

Cant stop the feeling

Erik's POV

After the text I'd received from Joshua I'd been dealing with a lot of new feelings. I spoke with my girlfriend of several years, Mekenna daily. She was personally one of biggest supporters and I loved her very much. From booking gigs, losing callbacks and traveling for work she's always been beside me and been incredible.

However I'd recently been thinking more about why we never got married, why I never asked her to marry me, why it was never a feeling that moved me. I never thought about having a family with her or growing old with her, she was just in my life. Was that all I'd ever feel or was there more to it?

I was sad to leave Vancouver behind, the memories I'd made, the friends who would forever hold a special place in my heart and life. While also excited to go home and see this woman I've loved for so long.

Throughout my time in Vancouver I've gotten to know Colleen and can easily say she's one of my favorite people. She's so funny to be around, she's not afraid to make a fool of herself and in turn encourages me to step out of my box a little. Acting is my comfort zone because people are judging a character but I can't handle people judging me.

She was always available to listen, offer advice or make someone laugh. I loved having a conversation with her and was lucky to have her in my life only that new friendship caused my old one to be a bit rocky. Mekenna has voiced concerns about my time spent with Colleen one night and while my feelings for Colleen were strictly platonic I felt angry towards my girlfriend for mentioning her.

I didn't want to lose my relationship, but she wasn't ok with me being friends with Colleen whom I'd grown to adore and never wanted to lose her friendship so I'd pulled back. Only I regret every second because we hadn't had any fun, isn't that what life is about?

Last week we did some dances with orange traffic cones to a song for a video she was doing for her YouTube channel. I would've never imagined I'd be okay with doing that but she made me feel different. I had fun being silly, I even looked forward to seeing the video but I'd never understand putting your life online for everyone to judge.

Erik, your presence is requested on set for a new call time of 7:00 am. We are shooting the backyard Annie scene, things are gonna get weird! 😋

I sent Colleen a thumbs up and sighed, I didn't think it was fair to be this way to her. The last thing I ever wanted to do was make things worse or make her feel like there was something wrong.

I miss you, Stocklin.

She knew I'd read her message, also I kind of needed things to be okay with us because they needed to be. I needed to be stronger and better at this, for both of us because losing her friendship wasn't a viable option.

I'm sorry I've been distant, just a lot going on. But I miss you too! I'll get better.

I got ready for bed and as I was brushing my teeth I heard the bell ring on my phone signaling I got another message and I left the toothbrush hanging in my mouth to answer it. Only it was from Mekenna and I put it back down, fully aware of the negative feelings I had towards her.

As I crawled into my bed, alone, I wished I wasn't alone. Mekenna wasn't much of a cuddling type of person but I was. Over the last few years we just stopped being affectionate, like two friends just hanging out and I hated it. I missed cuddling and making out and sex, yeah I said it. I wasn't a maniac but I missed having that kind of connection with someone I loved, it had been months and part of me just felt that wasn't normal.

I read Mekennas text that said she missed me and couldn't wait to see me, she told me the same thing every night.

You too! Xoxo

I replied, I was going to force myself tomorrow to have fun with Colleen and filming this Annie scene.

Looking forward to it, bring me a hug tomorrow. Night!

I smiled, It's already wrapped, see you! Night

I smiled, Colleen Mae Ballinger....wherever life takes us I promise you from this moment forward to always be there for you and be your friend.