Be My Sunflower

Divorce

Europe had been good to me, seeing the fans and performing had taken my mind off of everything. Sightseeing with family however, didn't I was reminded rather abruptly of my reality. I'd managed to go the trip without a break down and too much guilt although I was filled with it.

I'd had a long talk with Mom and Dad over breakfast one morning, I'd gotten nothing but support from everyone In my immediate circle. I'd gotten a few texts from people who asked about Erik or flatly asked if josh and I were having marital issues but those came from people I didn't necessarily trust. I only told my parents, Christopher and Jess and Rachel about Erik and I, mom was initially disappointed but assured me it happened and all she wanted was for me to be happy.

Dad had nodded and when I'd told Rachel she slapped Kory and asked if he already knew and they got into a playful fight but she had said she didn't care what I wanted, to just get it. That left me questioning even more, what I was did I want? I wanted to be finished with Joshua, that much I was positive of but what did I want from Erik?

~~~~~~~~~~Home ~~~~~~~~~~

I sat on the couch at my moms house running my naked hand over my phone, I had already removed my rings and was about to call Josh. I was fully aware this should be done in person, but he'd threatened to harm Kory and we hadn't spoken calmly since.

I tapped Joshs name and put the phone to my ear, chewing on my lip. After 4 rings he answered aggressively.

"Did you dump the troll?" He spat, noise in the background giving his location away.

With a shaky breath I blurted it out, "I want a divorce."

I could hear Josh moving to a quieter place and his voice dropped, "hey, no....Listen I'm sorry....we can go back to therapy and so-"

"I'm divorcing you. There's no compromise." I said quickly, staring at the picture on the wall for the hundredth time.

"What happened to our vows? They mean nothing to you?" He asked.

I shook my head but tears still threatened to fall, "That's unfair. You changed after those vows and I didn't marry this version of you."

"So did you! Always choosing your phone or career over me!" He stopped yelling and lowered his voice, "Coll, you are the love of my life. We can work through this, I didn't know there was this big of an issue..."

"That's the thing, there's never any communication and when I do bring up issues you dismiss them and make me feel stupid. We tried therapy, it didn't work and I can't make you happy. I want you to be happy and feel as loved as you want to feel I can't...I can't be that person for you." I said honestly, I knew we both deserved to be happy.

"I can forgive you for cheating, if that's what this is about."

My ears grew hot and I forced myself to stay calm, "Nobody cheated; Josh. It's just not working out, I'm going to stay out of the house for the week so you can get your stuff out."

"Wait, you want the house? Shouldn't we discuss who gets what." His tone short and clipped, that much was expected.

"The mortgage something you can afford on your own?" I knew the answer without asking but I was humoring him.

"That's messed up, I....we just moved in..." his voice trailed off, it getting noisy and then quiet again. He was leaving the bar. "Can't we talk? In person?"

I shook my head and realized he can't hear that, "No Josh, I genuinely want the best for you and hope you find someone who makes you happy. I'm going to make a video for my fans, if you want to do the same we should put them out the same time."

He scoffed, beeping from the car told me he was inside his car. "That's what you want from this? Views? Seriously?"

"You know that isn't what I want from this! My viewers have fully invested themselves into us and they are going to be devastated, I'm not even monetizing it. You can't just disappear without an explanation." I laid back on my old bed and curled up onto my side, kicking an old teddy bear.

"Anything for views, that's the way you live your life. You always have, the way you play everything to get views and lie to your fans...you're probably lying to me right now."

I scoffed, "Okay I'm done with this conversation. You have a week, goodbye." I hung up without waiting for a response and tears ran over my eyelids.

Divorcing a man I thought loved me was devastating how dare he make it about views.