Be My Sunflower

Validating my feelings

I'd made it known that I would be spending the entire flight to Europe with my headphones in editing, sleeping and reflecting. Kory fell asleep next to me pretty early into our flight anyhow, as I clicked a hidden folder on my computer.

The images piled up onto the screen and I clicked on them to enlarge them. A photo taken during Erik's audition, I recall feeling insanely blown away and weirded out that he was so dead on as Patrick that I wouldn't look at him. I remember feeling awkward and shy, which was so unlike me and now I sat here questioning if my soul already knew him then.

The next photo lit up the screen; a photo of Erik and I out of costume but in character at our first table read. The next one of us sitting at my brothers house, Parker in his lap. We'd gone there before filming started to brainstorm and Erik fit into the family so seamlessly, Chris and Jessica's kids adored him. It made my heart so warm, Joshua is abrasive and strict with them and they weren't used to that.

Another photo of us on a hike with the family and Francesca. Several actually, the Beautiful backdrop of Vancouver behind us I remembered the day so perfectly. It was as though I was never married, never been stressed or yelled at, I spent an entire day being treated with respect. I laughed until my sides hurt, I rolled down the hill like a kid again without the fear of being made fun of, I danced and never second-guessed myself.

Erik had always been a light, the next photo was us and my mom in our Vancouver apartment. We made A huge home cooked meal and had Erik over and they sat talking for hours about her chickens and what kind of kid I was growing up. When he left she said 'I want to see more of that one' with the biggest smile on her face.

The next one was of Kory and Erik, Erik was in costume and was playing the guitar while Kory was doing a crazy version of interpretive dance. Their relationship really has a special place in my heart, I know how badly Kory wishes Joshua would respect him. He doesn't feel comfortable or welcome in his own house and keeps to himself in his room to avoid being made fun of. Erik never batted an eyelash while Kory was dancing that night, he even complimented him. He's always including him when we hang out, or asking Kory if he wants to hang out when I'm busy on set. Their friendship was so special.

The next photo was one I loved more than anything. Erik and I were squished together in my directors chair trying to stay warm, my legs curled up to my chest and resting on his lap a blanket thrown over us and beaming smiles on both our faces. I remembered the cold that day, so many damn popsicles and I couldn't get warm and no hesitation offered up body heat.

I had a few dozen photos of us together, I hid because Joshua was so nosey and jealous even back when he was casted. I guess my subconscious knew there was a reason to hide them.

The next photo was a selfie I took of us on set outside the day we shot the magic scene with Christopher. The van in the background, is smiling like two cheeseballs but that's how it always was with him. Carefree, happy and fun. I allowed myself to imagine being with Erik, living with Erik and experiencing day in and out sometimes and I think that's what made things awkward at times. I wanted to fast forward life to get to a good place with him and just be blissfully happy without all the other stuff.

The next photo was just of me, but Erik took it and I was that cheesy sentimental girl who cherished it for the thought behind it. I was hunched over in my director chair with the headphones on, watching playback on a scene of Erik kissing the bubble gum bubble instead of poking it. I had a smile on my face that I didn't recall having, you could see the kiss on the monitor and my smile. It was an innocent testament that even though I was unaware of my feelings they were always there.

I forced down the negative feelings of betraying a man I vowed to be with till death, I ignored the words adulterer, cheater, liar. Thing was I deserved to be happy, I deserved to be treated with respect and love. I deserved someone to support me and be understanding and when they had questions they did it without a hint of anger or judgment in their voice.

I knew I deserved to be treated like a princess, I know I deserved good things but I have been through 7 years of the opposite and didn't know how to turn it off. When I got home I knew I'd have to end it and I would become someone who scared even myself. I hated confrontation and I hated people hating me but Josh would definitely be someone I needed to accept hating me.

I had my therapist on stand-by and my family was aware I would be ending it and might need somewhere to go until he got out of our house. I didn't know how I would tell him yet, but right now I wanted to think of Erik and the joy he's instilled in my life. Speaking of joy!

I reached down and pulled out the envelope he'd given me before I left, with strict instructions not to open it until I was already on the flight. He'd had Kory give it to me before we boarded, always including Kory had already won him over.

I opened it and pulled out his letter, his handwriting was so elegant and beautiful.

Dear Colleen,

Sometimes it's difficult for me to put my feelings into words with you, you make me kind of nervous. So I'm writing you a letter to say all the things I wish I could've said to you already.

You're the most beautiful woman I've ever met; outward beauty is obviously the first thing I noticed when I walked into that audition room. A boardroom table full of men and a beautiful brunette who I had no idea would change the course of my life so intensely. Your inner beauty is hidden and heavily protected but for some reason I'm lucky enough to get to see it.

Your laugh is one of my favorite things, especially when I'm the one causing it to happen. You're one of the funniest people I know and you always have me laughing but to be able to return that is a joy. I love losing track of time and spending an entire day with you and not wanting it to end. One day it won't end I can feel that deep in my soul that I won't ever want to be with anyone else.

You have this ability to make anyone feel welcome and appreciated, nobody on set had a bad thing to say about you. You're such a hardworking woman that I enjoy just sitting around watching you do your thing, I'd follow you all over the world watching you perform. No night would ever feel like the night before because every time you perform you have a new light, a new passion a bigger passion and you can see how much love you have for it.

I love you Colleen Mae Ballinger, the most beautiful, selfless, hard-working, resilient, badass I'll ever know. Enjoy tour, smile a lot, laugh plenty and take lots of pictures. Reflect, give your feelings validation and reason and do what your heart tells you. Whatever it is, I'll always be here behind you.

Aurovoir Colleen, for now.

Love E.

I folded his letter back up as tears ran down my face, I quickly wiped them off and pulled out a photo and a card with a necklace.

The photo was us curled up in the directors chair he'd put a heart eye sticker over his eyes and I giggled. The card had a necklace on it; a wish bone and a note underneath it.

For every wish you wish I hope it comes to you as quickly as the snap of a wishbone. -E

I put the necklace on and smiled, the thought he put into everything was so touching. He knew I'd need to hear positive things so I could enjoy tour and he knew I'd need a daily reminder of this letter so he gave me the necklace. I smiled widely, I could feel how wide it was from my sore cheeks and put the envelope back into my bag.

He was right though, no matter what happened I deserved better and I'd have to go through awful things to get there but anything worth having is worth the storm. I needed to accept I'd cheated and would be calling my therapist once I got back home and working through it. Josh would have to sign a non-disclosure and I'd do the same, not speaking of either person ever again.