Torn Mind

Chapter 7: Mare

The brisk air brushes my arm, making goosebumps appear. Sitting on a bench in the gardens, I realize that hours have gone by since the meeting. Cal showed me the way here before excusing himself to meet with the other war generals to discuss more detailed strategics for the plan. I'm finally at peace because for once, everyone I love is safe and sound, excluding Shade. As hard as it was, I have made peace with his death. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if he had come early enough to return us both to safety or if he had come late enough to see my death.

While plausible outcomes begin to cloud my mind, I hear footsteps creeping up behind me. On instinct, my hands create sparks as I turn to see who it is.

"Woah, settle down there. I mean you no harm."

"Julian!" I say, immediately reaching to embrace him.

"A little paranoid now, aren't you?"

"You can never be too cautious. Anyway, what are you doing out here? I'm surprised you left the comfort of your precious books."

"Well, I had to come after I heard the news that the lightning girl has returned." he says while taking a seat on the bench. "Speaking of news, I'm also told that you suggested a brilliant strategy against the Lakelanders. Needless to say, I am proud, though I won't lie, I am also quite surprised. I thought you preferred fighting on the battlefield rather than strategizing."

"To be completely fair, I am just as surprised as you are. However, I didn't come up with that on my own, I got the inspiration from the Scarlet Guard."

"History is a great teacher."

Before he could get too lost discussing history considering I am not particularly interested in learning anything new right now, I decide to change the subject. "Who told you about my 'brilliant' strategy?"

"Cal, of course. How do you think I knew where to find you? Though it took him awhile to actually give me directions on your whereabouts because he was relentlessly talking about how much he missed you."

I remain silent as the night becomes even cooler. I can't help but feel guilty for having left Cal alone through all this. I rub my arms to help fight back both the cold and my guilt. Julian takes notice of my discomfort and removes one of his many jackets, placing it over my shoulders. I smile back up at him to show my gratitude and notice how much older he looks. He has no doubt been under a lot of stress having to deal with the reconstruction of Norta. Just as I am about to break the silence to ask about Sara, he starts again.

"We all have missed you. I'm not just talking about your close friends either; the people adore you, Mare. They look up to you, they trust you, they need you. Even your hairstyle has become the latest fashion among young women and girls."

I turn to face Julian, my voice trembling, "How can they look up to me? I am completely lost myself, Julian. Countless lives were lost because of my actions and I can't help but wonder if I made a mistake along the way. Perhaps there was an easier way, one with much less bloodshed. I don't deserve their praise, I don't even deserve to be alive."

"What's done is done. Sacrifices had to be made but it was worth it. In the end, we gave all Nortans a better life and we owe a lot of this success to you. Don't forget that. However, many are still counting on you, on all of us, to protect them. I know you have suffered a lot of personal loss and have dealt with your own inner demons but I hope you will stay with us here, we could really use your help."

"I will do whatever I can. We are far from finished fighting." I know this is a promise I can keep. We will lose many more brave soldiers but Julian is right, it will be worth it to free others as we have freed Nortans.

Julian offers me a hand to help me up from the bench and he leads me through the garden. We walk slowly, back into the palace, leaving the calming presence of the fresh air and tamed flowers behind. He escorts me to my room and I wish him a good night as well as my best blessings to Sara. Left alone in my room, I ready myself for bed and slip into the beautiful silk sheets which some poor Red probably slaved over. Someone like Gisa. Now that I remember Gisa, I begin to miss her comforting snores. Though they were loud, I felt safe. Not able to sleep, I lie in my bed, thinking everything over.

An hour later, I decide that I should have a good night's rest rather than be slugging around in meetings tomorrow. I have never enjoyed sleeping alone so I go to the only other person I know who would be up, tossing and turning, at this hour.