Torn Mind

Chapter 14: Mare

"What you have is PTSD. Post traumatic stress disorder." Sara explains.

"Oh." is all I can manage to say. Cal tries to meet my eyes, but I look away.

"The most common cause is due to war or any other trauma that has deeply affected an individual. For example, being a prisoner for six months while being put under a constant state of disability and pain will do the trick."

I've heard of a few Reds who came back from the war who had PTSD. Not many survived in the first place and those who had PTSD never could seem to put the past behind them. I overheard in class one day that a girl's father had hung himself because he couldn't stand the screams that would echo in his mind. That girl later died in the same war that had led her father to his death.

Other than recommend certain treatments she doesn't say much else. She mentions different exercises I could do to calm my mind and gives me the names of a few people she claims are good to talk to. Sara cannot heal mental wounds and it is too dangerous to attempt it. If that were an option, Maven would still be alive.

She hands me a bottle with white pills. I've never taken one before.

"This should help you sleep when you have nightmares. I hope you feel better, Mare." Sara gently squeezes my hand then leaves the room.

I sit still, staring at the bottle in silence while my mind is louder than ever before. I hate him. He is the reason I can't sleep in peace. He is the reason I flinch whenever someone gets too close. He is the reason I analyze every interaction I have with anyone to find faults in their character because I don't want to fall into another trap. And yet, I miss him still. Why can't I just let him go? I can't help the tears that slide down my cheek. Cal takes me under his arm and lets me cry for a long time. He doesn't ask questions. He simply holds me, rubbing his hands softly on my back and helps wipe the tears when I'm done.

"Mare, you are the strongest person I know. You can get through this. I will be here for you if you need me, just like we promised."

I want to tell him how much I love him. How grateful I am for his support and love for me. My throat hurts too much from crying and I can't seem to get the words out so I show him instead. I kiss him to show my love and gratitude and he responds with a similar message. He pulls away and helps me up from the chair.

"Come on," he says, leading me out the door, "we should get breakfast."

I don't eat much at breakfast. Cal, on the other hand, scarfs down quite a bit. We decide after that we should visit Clara and Farley. I haven't seen her in a long time and I miss her cute smile. On our way out I feel the slightest pressure in my pocket. I smirk as I grab Kilorns wrist, twisting his arm as I turn around.

"You've still got it." He says, smiling. Cal turns, obviously confused.

"How are you?" I ask. As much as I want to chastise him for coming, I think back to what Cal and I talked about earlier.

"I am purely fantastic. How about the two of you?"

"We're getting there." Cal answers. "We are actually on our way to see Farley and Clara, would you care to join us?"

"I would love to, however, I was given a schedule and now I am supposed to be heading to..." he pulls a crumpled sheet of paper out of his pocket and reads it. "Another training session it appears. Where I will be meeting General Merandus."

"Oh, Kira is your general." I say, not sure if that is good or bad.

"Who's Kira?"

"You'll find out soon, according to your schedule. Assuming you read it correctly."

"Ada taught me well." Kilorn bows his head politely to us and proceeds to his training session.

"He's in good hands." Cal reassures me. "She is great at strategy."

"I sure hope so. Now, let's get going. If we are even a second late, Farley will kill us."

"In that case, how about a race?" He sounds like a bored child. Although, I can't resist that look of giddiness in his bronze eyes.

As I am about to respond, he starts sprinting and leaves me behind. It won't be too difficult to catch up. There are quite a few people walking about so I have to be careful to dodge them all. Luckily, when you are sprinting, most people have the sense of mind to move out of your way. Farley's place is only a small way from the palace. Though there is plenty of space in the palace, Farley prefers to live elsewhere.

I can just see her house in the distance as I pass Cal and I pay close attention to the way the wind ruffles his hair. I blame this for distracting me as I notice too late that he is reaching for me. He tackles me to the ground and together we roll down a hill, his laughter piercing the quiet morning. I end up on top and I can't stop giggling as I pull a twig out of his hair.

"This didn't go exactly as you planned, did it?" I tease.

"Are you kidding? This is exactly what I had in mind. Except for one thing..." He flips us one more time so that he is over me. "Better."

"Sometimes I worry I have fallen in love with a mischievous boy."

He smirks. I bite my lip; his smirk always weakens me. Cal leans down to kiss my neck and his lips travel up towards my ear.

"What's wrong with a little mischief?" He whispers.

His hands find their way under my shirt as his kisses intensify. I reach for his back and I can feel his muscles beneath my fingertips. His breaths are heavy and I'm sure my body is just as hot as his in this moment.