Torn Mind

Chapter 22: Cal

It seems there is no end to chaos in our world. Each minute follows the next and it is just as terrible as the last. Maybe I am thinking so hopelessly due to lack of sleep. Doesn't matter, I need to keep working. War and strategy has been the only constant in my life, the one thing I know I can do. So I keep doing it. It helps get my mind off all other thoughts that I can't seem to escape. Thoughts about Clara, Kira, and Mare. Not to mention the fear that if I make one mistake, it could cost thousands of lives.

Planning attacks is supposed to come easily to me. However, right now, I am having difficulty concentrating on maneuvers and attacks when all I can picture is Mare getting hurt. I get up from my desk to pace around the room, hoping to clear my mind. That doesn't help much. In need of some fresh air, I head over to the window and crack it open a bit. I am met with rain water trickling down and by instinct I flinch away. I know I shouldn't fear rainwater but it is hard not to when each drop feels like it is suffocating me. Abruptly, I shut the window and decide a walk around the palace should help me relax.

My hair is unkempt, my shirt is only half buttoned, and I can feel the droopiness of my eyes however I doubt I will run into anyone so I don't bother touching up at all. I sluggishly exit my workspace and close the obnoxiously large doors behind me. My office connects with all the other generals and most of them seem to be at work as is obvious by the shining light beneath their doors. The only one that isn't on is the room bordering mine; Kira's room. I still can't get it around my head that she would betray us all, especially considering all the valuable information she knows. It gives me a headache just thinking about the knowledge she has probably been feeding to the Lakelanders all this time, right under our noses.

I truly believed her when she told me the story of how her parents abandoned her. I still believe that the past she opened up to me about is real. There is no way she could have fabricated the pain in her eyes as if she could vividly recall every memory as she told me. Though there is the possibility that she manipulated me into trusting her. That doesn't explain why I still trusted her when she wasn't around. I'm disappointed in myself. I was supposed to go on this walk to clear my head yet I still can't seem to free my mind of all the current events that are causing the destruction around me. It is hard not to think about the fact that someone you cared about isn't who they say they are. I should have learned my lesson from before. I simply am still dumbfounded by the fact the Kira is my sister. Well, step-sister technically, we do not share any biological parents. Still, the thought is...unsettling.

Suddenly, I am brought out of my thoughts when I hear thunder roar beyond the walls. Looking around, I realize I subconsciously made my way to my rooms. Although, I think I know why. I carefully open my door, widening it only to find an empty room. The only sign that Mare has been here is that the bed is unmade and there is a small divot in the mattress. No doubt she wasn't able to sleep.

Realizing that the only thing that will keep me from worrying about Mare is to see her in person, I set out to find her. She cannot be too far from my room. I check every sitting room and hallway within the general area of my room but Mare is nowhere to be found. Quickening my pace while searching, I begin to grow anxious. Where could she have gone? I jump when a flash of lightning lights up the sky, followed by the solid beat of rain pouring against the windows. Another one flashes and this time I am able to catch sight of the color. Purple.

Smiling to myself, I head towards the nearest stairwell. I climb, each step echoing behind me. Finally, I reach the top and know I have found her when I notice the door has been left open by just a crack. I push the door gently and am greeted by a light rain on the rooftop. This rooftop is familiar, I remember playing up here with Maven when we were young. We would run around, desperately trying to escape the boring adults of the court. Besides Maven's absence, I feel a connection to that memory in that I am still desperately trying to run from problems I know will eventually catch up to me. I scan the rooftop and see a figure sitting against a wall, dripping wet. Against my instinct, I step into the rain and approach her.

"Hi." I say, startling her.

She looks up to me, hair sticking to her face and her eyes grow warm. "Hi."

"May I join you?"

She nods her head so I settle down next to her, already beginning to feel the effects of the rain on my clothes. The ground is wet, I have to squint my eyes to see through the rain, and my shirt is starting to plaster itself against my body, yet I am perfectly happy to be sitting here with Mare. She remains quiet for a while and I don't push her to talk, I can tell she would prefer to ponder. Of course I know that something is making her slightly less comfortable around me but I do not want to pry even though I am worried that she won't tell me what is on her mind. I'm sure it has something to do with Clara, Mare probably blames herself for what happened and I wish there were some way I could erase all the pain from her mind.

When another lightning bolt strikes just a bit away, I turn to look at her and she returns the gesture. Her eyes lock with mine and I swear I spot a tear leaking though it might have just been a raindrop. My suspicion of the former grows as she closes the small distance between us and leans her shoulder on mine. I can feel the longing for support she is seeking.

She must be freezing so I wrap my arm tight around her and do my best to spill my warmth throughout her body. Mare can have it all no matter the cost. I close my eyes and enjoy this moment with Mare's breath a symphony in my ear and her silky olive skin caressing mine. It is easy to shut out the rest of the world when I am just with her. I trace my fingers along her arm and through her hair for what seems like an eternity until she takes hold of my hand, stopping me in my tracks.

"I love you, Cal. No matter what." Her hand still holds mine and she rests it against my chest.

"I love you, Mare. No matter what." I reply, earning one of her gorgeous smiles in return.

Her next words are a faint whisper, I almost miss them. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"Everything." One simple word carries so much within it.

This time, I close the distance between us to kiss Mare under the sky. Her hand combs through my wet and messy hair as she dives into the kiss. I lift her up from the ground gracefully and lead her to my room while never letting go. I haven't given Mare nearly everything I can quite yet.