Stephew One shots

Me

Hey... I am going to give you a warning. This is a little more... angsty than what I usually write. I needed to vent and this became the way to do it. This is also longer than I expected. I hope you like it! ~Gem 

Today was not my day. It was rough. I woke up this morning at four. I woke up because of a nightmare. Ironically I can't remember the contents of my dream. I just remembered it being terrifying. Ever since I have been up. Ever since this morning I have felt uneasy and out of it in ways I couldn't explain even if I tried. 

I found myself at work after a blur of what was the morning. Stephanie and the baby were still at home recovering. They needed the rest. They have been through a lot. The thing I vaguely recall about the morning was getting dressed and eating something. I can't remember what. Yet I did eat. I left for work. I had memorized the way to and from the office by now. Everything as muscle memory at this point. I remember walking into the office. 

Now I find myself sat at my desk staring blankly at my computer screen. I was supposed to be editing a script for which show I couldn't remember. My eyes scanned the screen uselessly so that the onlooker wouldn't take a second glance. Chris, Jason, and the other members of the theorist crew were hard at work doing their assigned tasks. No one was paying attention to me. Although I am the face of these channels sometimes I feel invisible.  There are so many people who are smarter than me, more talented, have bodies that are in better shape, have funnier cats, and so on. I work in an industry all about image and I often worry that my image isn't good enough. There is always that little voice in the back of my mind screaming at me that I am not worth it. That I am not good enough to be here. That this whole YouTube thing was a fluke. That Stephanie only married me because she felt bad for me. That my friends are my friends because they pity me. I know these thoughts are far from the truth but they feel so real. And what is worse is I feel like a burden telling anyone about it. I don't want to drag them into this mess. 

It became obvious to me sitting there that I wouldn't be able to get any work done so I decided to scroll through some YouTube comments. The theorist community is very supportive. Maybe they would cheer me up. I scrolled through the comments. Many were about BabyPat. Many congratulating us on our new family member. It was an overwhelming amount of support that made me feel bitter sweet. My mind twisted those words. They were for Stephanie and the baby. I didn't do anything during this process. I should have done more. I continued back through videos and through comments sections. I found the hate comments. I know that there are more positive comments than negative ones. However, the negative words sting. They cut like knives. I bit my lip trying to shake the thoughts swarming my mind away.  

"Back to work." I said quietly out loud to myself.

I went back to work. I got the script edited and ready. All I needed to do was record it. I would do that tomorrow. I set off next doing some research for a new theory or at least attempt to do as much work as I could. 

I must have been quiet all day or something because Jason and Chris decided to start pestering me. Usually it was fine. There was nothing wrong about it and I often teased back. Today just wasn't my day. It started with them making quippy jokes and doing funny things around the office. I guess I didn't give them as big a reaction as they wanted because everyone kept sharing looks. I couldn't quite read them nor did I want to. I went to the fridge we had on sight and grabbed my lunch which I had forgotten I had packed. I ate it at my desk as I watched a YouTube video. Usually I don't watch them at work but I needed a pick-me-up. I needed one fast as I felt myself worth wither away each moment I sat at this desk. I didn't even realize that someone was next to me until they tapped my shoulder. It was Chris. I pulled off my headphones and gave him a quizzical look.

"Hey Matt. Are you okay?" Chris asked me with concern etched into his features.

"Yeah. Just tired." I wasn't lying. Steph, the baby, and I haven't been sleeping well. However, it wasn't truthful either.

Chris decided not to push it any farther. The rest of the work day went by slowly. It seamed to drag on and on. So by the time I arrived home I was an emotional mess. I was exhausted. I walked through the door only to find Stephanie and our baby asleep on the couch. Babby was asleep on her chest. 

A wave of worry rushed over me. What if I am not a good enough dad? My child and my wife deserve the world. What if I can't provide? Tears started to slip down my cheeks. Skip walked over to me and nudged my legs purring up at me. 

"Hi Skeep." I cooed laughing through the tears as I reached down to pick him up.

He purred at me as he rubbed his head against mine. I love my cat. He always knows how to make me smile. 

"Matthew?" Stephanie asked in a quiet voice. She slowly sat up doing her best not to wake the sleeping baby. 

"Hi Steph." I replied with my voice cracking at her name.

"Matthew, what's wrong?" She asked patting the space on the couch next to her.

I sat down telling her everything that is on my mind. She quietly listened to every doubt, every comment, everything stressing me out, and once everything was out in the open I felt so much better.

"Matthew. I had no idea you felt this way." Stephanie said grabbing my hand and giving it a tight squeeze. "Next time you feel this way stop me and tell me everything on your mind. I don't care where we are and what we are doing. I want to help you."

"Thanks Steph." I replied crying even more now and it was then I realized my beautiful wife was sitting next to me crying as well.

"Matthew, it hurts to see you in this much pain." Stephanie pulled me into a side hug.  

I looked down at my lap embarrassed. 

"Hey! Let me clear out some of the doubts filling your mind." Stephanie said scooting back from our hug only to kiss my forehead.

I looked at her confused.

"I love your brain. You have a beautiful brain that you work so hard to expand and to continue to learn. Honey, you are so smart." She continued by kissing my cheek.

"I know you are under a lot of criticism.  You are doing great! For every piece of criticism you get remember you are also doing something right as well." She continued like this. She continued to bring light to the things dragging me down. After feeling like I was drowning all day I finally felt like I could feel the air in my lungs once again. 

"Thank you Stephanie. What would I do without you?" I asked before kissing her.

Once we pulled back she just smiled.

"What would I do without you?" She asked without a moments hesitation.

"Me?" I asked.

"You. I love you Matthew Robert Patrick." She replied with such confidence it made my heart melt.

"Me." I replied with a blush covering my cheeks as I buried my face into her shoulder wrapping my arms around her in a hug.