lui ou lui

~Safe~

* Slight Warning - thoughts of self-harm/suicide. *

Wood's POV

When Tanner answered the phone I was a mess. I couldn't even speak, all I did was cry into the phone.

"Woods?! Woods are you okay?" I hear Tanner say, but I can't make words come out of my mouth. "Stay were you are, I'm coming over." Then he hangs up. Somehow, I feel worse after the phone call. I'm such a piece of shit friend. I'm a burden. He's too nice to me and I don't deserve it. I don't deserve anything.

My body is on autopilot. I've lost any will power I had left, I couldn't fight anymore. Then I find myself in the kitchen, opening a drawer. Without resisting or thinking twice, I grab a knife out of it. I just stare at it for a few seconds before sitting on the cold tile floor. The sleeves of my shirt are pushed up and I'm utterly defenseless against myself.

Looking down I see tiny white marks, scattering my arm. Scars. They were unnoticeable unless you knew what to look for. Or were they? Maybe everyone sees them and they just don't say anything. They think I'm a freak. My face is soaked in tears and my breathing is unsteady. My heart is pounding in my ears but none of it seems to matter. All I can think about is the knife in my hand and want in my brain.

I place the knife on my wrist, not pressing down hard, just resting it there. Do it. Everyone would be happier without you. Tanner would be happier without me. I cause everyone so much trouble. My grip around the knife tightens.

But when it came right down to it, the skin of my wrist looked so white and defenseless that I couldn't do it. It was as if what I wanted to kill wasn't in that skin or the thin blue pulse that jumped under my thumb, but somewhere else, deeper, more secret, and a whole lot harder to get.

I scream out in frustration. I just want to stop existing. The knife falls out of my hand and clatters on the floor. Though barely audible, I hear the front door open. For some reason, I don't want him to find me. So I pull my knees up to my chest and quietly sob. His footsteps become closer, but I can't stand to look at him.

"Woods?" his voice is laced with worry, "Woods look at me please."

I finally look up, but don't make eye contact. The knife is no longer next to me, it's several feet away out of reach. Tanner reaches out and grabs my hands, pulling me up and into a hug. Another sob wracks through my body and I begin crying into his shirt. His head rests on top of mine and he quietly hums to me. My arms tighten and I hug him closer. He's the only thing grounding me here right now.

"I'm scared, Tanner."

"Shhh," Tanner rubs my back comfortingly, "I've got you. I'm not going anywhere. Don't worry."

Though I've settled down some, the tears are still coming in a steady stream. He pulls me into my bedroom and lets go of me. The edges of my shirt come up as Tanner helps me take it off. There is nothing sexual in this act though. No hidden meaning of any kind. Every action was only driven by love and care. I crawl under the covers, and Tanner joins me. His arm wraps around me so I'm laying on his chest.

I don't feel okay, but I do feel safe. Safe from myself, for this very moment at least. Slowly I fall into a dreamless sleep.

A/N - Okay so I'm in love with this chapter tbh. Like...heck. Can't take full credit for the best line though. The "But when it came right down to it..." line is from a book, "The Bell Jar." It's by Sylvia Plath and I highly recommend it. ALSO IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED MATTS NEW VLOG DO IT BC TANNER AND PAUL AND CUTE AS FUCK IN IT.

~Stay Lovely~