lui ou lui

~Serrated~

***self harm warning***

Woods' POV

The day drags on. It's gotten to the point of me keep track of the hours, minutes, seconds until 1:30. Then I leave for the doctor. Finally, all that’s left is a handful of minutes. I've managed to avoid Tanner up to this point. After the scuffle in the car I really didn't want to see him. More so, I didn't want to see him with Paul. His boyfriend. 

On my way to blue base, I pass Mitch. I give him a nervous glance and smile a little. Once I think he's behind me and gone, I feel a small tug at my hand. The warmth feels familiar. Reassuring. Curious, I look at who is holding my hand. And it's Mitch. The situation makes my brain do weird things. It's not sure how to feel. The depression is winning, however.

"Where are you off to?" Mitch asked, squeezing my hand.

"Uh," Shit it's just Mitch, why can't I talk, "I'm Matt. I mean! I'm going to see Matt." I face palm internally. Way to go Woods. You're so useless. Can't even talk.

"Cool. Cool," Mitch trailed off and I could tell there was more he wanted to say. It took him the rest of the walk to find the right words. We were upstairs in blue base, outside of Matt's office door. Finally, he speaks up again, "Do you wanna hang out tonight? If you aren't doing anything?"

My heart begins pounding in my chest. I don't know what the right answer is but before I can decide my mouth decides for me, "Yeah." And that was that. Mitch let go of my hand and walked back down the stairs. My hand still tingled from the contact. What did I just agree to? I'll have to cancel later. I checked the time and realized I was running behind.

I quickly knock and poke my head into Matt's office. I catch the end of a sentence, "…worried about him." Then there are two sets of eyes staring at me. Matt and Tanner. Clearly I had interrupted something. I rush to collect myself and say the words I needed to.

"Matt I'm leaving for that thing we talked about. I'll keep you posted." Then I slammed the door shut and got out of there as fast as I could. By the time I got to my car, I was having a full blown panic attack. I had to calm down. It's not safe to drive like this. But how do I calm down? Quick?

It dawned on me, and this time I didn't fight it. I dug in my pocket, already knowing it would be there. My hand comes back clutching a small pocket knife. One side was smooth, and the other was serrated. The serrated side was pushed down against the top of my arm. I put as much pressure on it as I could muster, than slashed across. Before I could even register the pain, I wanted to do it again. And again. And again. Suddenly, images of Tanner holding me came flashing into my head.

I dropped the knife into my lap and looked at the damage. Two long cuts across the top of my arm, not deep enough to need stitches. The scarlet blood entranced my mind. More. I want more. I was calm, at least. There's a dirty shirt in the back of the car I can use as a bandage for now.

Fuck. I look at the time and realize I'm going to be late. I call the doctor's office on the drive over there. The panic felt like it was coming back, but I continued pushing it down. At stoplights I marvel at the mess I've made on my arm. No one can know. Not even Tanner. Especially not Tanner. There's no reason to drag him down with me.  Not his problem.

I park in the first spot to see and rush inside. At the main desk I sign in and then they tell me to have a seat. I made it. I'm here. My heart still felt like it could burst through at any moment. The minutes tick by faster and faster. I start to worry they've forgotten about me. Or maybe I did something wrong?

A woman across the room keeps looking at me. I don't understand why, until I realize she's looking at my arm, not me. In the rush I forgot to grab an actual bandaid. The angry fresh wounds we're exposed for everyone to see. I bet they all know. They know I did this to myself. That I'm fucked up.

Just as I was about to get up and leave, giving up on it all, a woman came through one of the doors. I'm assuming those doors lead towards the patient rooms. We make I contact and I freeze up like a startled animal.

"Woodland DeMars?" She says my name as a question. My body tenses. I silently nod and walk to her.

A/N - look, know I said I'd post regularly again AND IM TRYING. But the world is against me. My laptop battery is fried so now I need to get a new one, but haven't been able to yet. I finished this chapter, but apparently my laptop never synced. So I had to rewrite it. RIP me. Bear with me.

~Stay Lovely~