Touche Cliche ― The Book of Cliches

-the mound of excrement

10. the mound of excrement

The mound of shit basically, oh snap, graphic content warning. So, you might be like, where the fuck have I been or, more importantly, you might be asking what this pile of shit is (may or may not be referring to this book). Firstly, I've been moved schools from my shit one and now I've settled in so, hopefully, my updates will be stable. 

Second, the pile of shit (oh, sorry, mound) I'm talking about is the state Wattpad is in. It's like how Steam Greenlight was: the shit comes through in drafts and the good stories are drowned under grammatical errors and bad plots. I consider myself a pretty capable writer in all seriousness and I've seen some really golden pieces of work that aren't recognized at all. 

Without further ado, let's get into this. Now with gifs!

❦ THE BAD; 

For instance, I was reading this story in the Romance category because I was looking for a good one to get me into writing something positive (great job doing that). I pick one that has a really aesthetic cover (mmm, aesthetics) and dive in.

 The author devotes ten 'chapters' to telling us what the character's look like by showing pictures of celebrities that are so iconic that it made the story more unrealistic because I kept replacing the main characters' names with the celebrity assigned to them's. I continued, skipping through the chapters that set up the character's looks. 

❦ THE UGLY;

I got to the first, real chapter where the scene is set: it's a modern story; a trashy Fifty Shades of Grey ripoff (which, of all the books you'd want to ripoff, why that one?) where this girl who's just turned 18 (mmm, interesting) falls for a guy who moves next door, a married man with kids who is 35. 

Classy, already know this is a good story. I read on, as, in the story's description, there was no mention of this so I thought the story would logically progress away from this. Anyway, back to  the girl, let's give her the highly esteemed and sort after name, Bitchy Cunt Mcfoodlesticks. 

Bitchy Cunt Mcfoodlesticks decides how she's going to win this married man's attention is to flirt with other men because, yes, when a married man with kids obviously shows no affection towards you except for politeness, you should flirt with other men, that should do it. Anyways, the chapter ends with Bitchy (I can't be bothered to type out her full name) spotting the married man, let's call him Bobby Bobert McBobface and he's angry. 

Which, why should he be? He's got a fucking family to be with. Anyway, the man she's with runs off because a dude called Bobby Bobert McBobface is sooo scary and Bobby approaches, she stands there in shock, yes, Bitchy, if a married man started walking towards me looking like an angry gremlin when I'm tryna get laid, I'd be shocked too (but I'll never get laid so...). He drags her off, remember, they're on a bloody street and pulls her into his shed. 

He's all like, 'you're mine even though I probably don't know you're name' and she's like, 'oh yes, Bobby Bobert McBobface take me even though you are married to Lauren Cuckquean McBobface and our werewolf clans are enemies, take me in this disgusting, unlit shed!'. So he does and they do it (this is why I was supposed to listen in Sex Ed). So, it's revealed she was a virgin all along and he was also her first kiss because that's not terribly unrealistic. 

Then he has regrets and is like 'I have kids, Naruto Sasuke McBobface and This Book Is Utter Shite McBobface and you're barely legal and, oh look, wasn't using a condom, looks like you're pregnant now, but, don't worry I'll take you to my wife, she's really understanding because she was in this exact situation five years ago'. 

I'm done talking about this train wreck of a book, now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna eat salt, pure Himalayan salt. Bye and, no, I'm not doing the outro.