The Voices and I

chapter ten

"So..."

Green eyes pierced through my closed ones burning away all strength in them. It was like looking at the sun. No matter how hard I wanted to look away I just couldn't, being somehow mesmerised by the golden colour in them even though I knew it wouldn't do me any good.

He wasn't getting the hint and continued to stare. The tears were now rapidly on their way to making an unwanted appearance. Toby and I have only known each other for a couple of weeks yet he knew me better than anyone else. There wasn't any way to hide this considering he had already witnessed me attempting to kill myself. Surely he knew I was 'normal' by then.

"I-"

There was a desperate urge to lie. I wanted to lie to him so badly. To lie and pretend like everything was fine so we could go back to like how it was on the day when we'd first met.

"I..."

Lying never worked. Whoever said karma was a bitch was absolutely right. Toby would catch on eventually and leave me eventually so why even bother with the trouble? Why not speed up the process.

"I-"

"I don't want you to feel like I'm forcing you. It's alright if you're not ready to tell me. There's nothing wrong with that."

His gentle voice put out the fire that was consuming my raging mind. Toby moved from his seat at the bottom of my bed to sitting about a rulers distance away from me. I hugged my legs and buried my head between my arms. Looking at him was too much to bare. I was better off imagining the disappointed look on his face then seeing it for what it truly was.

My body was numb. It was so numb that I barely felt Toby lightly pulling at the arm I had begun to 'decorate.' He let out a sigh of relief, probably realising that this was a rare occasion for me. His touch lingered and as uncomfortable as it made me feel I didn't want it to go away.

"You know what, just forget everything I sai-"

"No. I want to tell you." I mumbled, lifting up my head to finally meet his gaze.

It wasn't filled with disappointment or pity or anything of that nature. His eyes were filled with worry. He deserved an explanation.

"You see...I-I have...I...ugh why is this so hard!"

"Don't worry about it-seriously. So um...how was school today?"

"No, no I want to tell you! Stop trying to change the subject, you're not helping."

Toby just sighed, leaning back on his hands for support.

"No, I can't do it."

"Ugh, you're stressing me out! If you don't want to tell me then don't!"

"No, I want to tell you."

"Are you sure you're not bipolar or something?"

"Yep. Pretty sure. The doctors ruled that out straight away."

He must have caught on to the seriousness in my voice because the smile that was starting to appear on his face slowly started to fade away.

It was awkward.

I made it awkward.

But there was no turning back now.

So I took a breath and began.

"You're going to think I'm crazy," I said more so to myself.

"Nothing is going to change my opininon of you so just stop."

"I have..." I said, accommodating the speech with hand gestures that in no way correlated to what I was about to say. "I have...a form of schizophrenia..."