The Voices and I

chapter twelve

The weekend had arrived and I'm so glad about it, school is becoming harder for me to go to, it gets harder to see Sam every day. I'm scared that we'll become friends again and he'll hurt me, in a weird way I'm also scared of Toby, I don't know him that well but what if he's like Sam? Ever since I've started hanging out with Tori and talking to Toby, I haven't noticed the voices, which is a good thing right? I don't want them to come back but I'm scared that if something bad happens, they'll reappear. 

Thoughts start to float through my head as I walk down my stairs into the kitchen, McDonald's packages all over the bench reminding me of the memories from the previous night. I smile, it's great to have a friend again. I pick up the rubbish and put it into the bin and then I move over to the fridge, opening it, I grab out the milk and move to my next destination- the cupboards, I grab the crunchy flakes and then proceed to grab a bowl and a spoon. I sit down at the kitchen bench and eat my cereal, on my phone I find myself looking on instagram. I go to my profile and recognize the images with the friends I use to have. The joyful memories rush through my head but then are crushed by something I hadn't heard in so long.

Stop 

They're not you're friends anymore 

They hate you

Delete the pictures 

I listen to the voices and delete three photos, I'm hesitant with the fourth, a photo of me and Emma in front of a lake not to far away from my place, the lake was our place, we went there every summer, just the two of us.

Stop! She decided to not be your friend anymore.

Delete the photo

She's not important anymore 

You don't want anything to do with her anymore

She probably hates you even more for having that picture still up.

Again, I listen to the voices, I close my eyes and feel tears rolling down my face as I delete the photo that included someone I once thought was a true friend, a best friend. 

~~~

The day flew by faster then I expected, and I felt disappointed with myself. I know I should go out more but I get scared and I don't want to risk anything. I feel embarrassed and judged, I feel like every stranger knows, the voices get too much to handle sometimes. 

It's currently 9:00 pm on a Saturday night and I'm laying in bed like I usually do. I'm thinking about what the day held for me and what I did. I ate cereal, deleted photos and just sat around watching tv shows and movies. 

My phone buzzed.

Tony: Hi Ivy, how was your day?

What do I do? Do I respond? I don't know how I feel about talking to him, I mean he didn't tell me he was Sam's brother and I told him about my schizophrenia, does he hate me for it?

No, he just hates you in general, don't fall for his trap.

Why would someone like him like you? you're disgusting!

If you respond to him you're just digging yourself another hole.

The voices are right. They normally are. So on that note, I leave Toby on read and somehow manage to go to sleep as my eyes have given in to stay open.

I wake up with the sun shining into my eyes and a knock to my door around 7:30 am. I slowly drag myself out of bed and to the front door and with my weak arm, I reach for the door handle and open my front door to see Toby.

"What are you doing here?" I quietly ask.

"You weren't answering my texts and I got worried, are you okay?" I can hear the concern in his voice but I won't let myself fall for his trap.

"I'm fine" I reply rather bluntly and rude.

"Please don't push me away Ivy" Desperation clear in his voice.

"No, I'm not playing your game, I'm not falling for your trap. I can't be hurt again." I say confidently but coldly as I try my best to hold in my tears. I refuse to look weak, I refuse to lose. 

"Again? Ivy, who hurt you that caused you to feel the need to push me away?" Why is he getting angry? he doesn't care, it's just an act.

Exactly, it's all an act, why would he care for you?

"You don't know do you?" My heart breaks a little. 

"Know what? Who hurt you? Why would I know that?" Confusion running through his voice.

I take a sharp breath in, do I tell him what his brother did to me? 

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Hey, guys, I hope you like this chapter, I know it's shorter than the others but I'll try to make them longer, also sorry for the late update it was a hectic week. I'll update again soon :)