Mr. Pride and I | jjk x llm

25

-Lisa-

I smiled ever so widely since I had woken up, excited to see my father and how he had changed physically as a year passed, despite knowing what to expect out of his looks since him and my mother had video called yesterday, and I showered him with big smiles that I hadn't shown for quite some time now.

I was quite nervous, too. My mind thinking of what ifs that I didn't need to ruin the day I had been waiting for quite some time. I didnt want anyone to ruin our day, and I had talked to myself earlier, facing the mirror as I made a condition with myself to avoid telling lies. But, I didn't say I wouldn't tell any, I only wanted to avoid telling him things that weren't true, such as saying I was confident in school.

Because that would keep his expectations  from me up, only to be later on brought down with a snap of a finger once finding out I hadn't really changed. But, I saw little changes happening with me, people would see them as well, but only if they were observant enough, like the fact that I talk more now than before, and also the terrifying fact that my guards were getting weaker. No one would've seen any difference, since out in public, I was still quiet.

I didn't want that, for goodness' sake, I do not ever want that to happen, which is why I also told myself to avoid talking to the people that wasn't worth putting my guards down, and example of which, is Jeon Jungkook.

He was smooth, and I didn't know weather I should like that or not, but at the moment, I wasn't. It was a threat for my little mind and I felt threatened by it, but I couldn't stop it, can't I? I can't, because I knew he would still talk to me, and I'd be answering back if I felt like it, sooner or later, then, I'll realise my guard were down and I'd change suddenly, much to his confusion.

I laid down the clothes I had taken from my closet that I had given a lot of thought in choosing. I had opened my closet door fully, and just blankly stared at my clothes, rethinking if I should really give any thought and care about what I looked like since we could only be fetching my father. But, that was also the very same reason why I gave so much time in picking the clothes I would wear, because we who we will be getting, was my father.

I, at least, if not face him with a change of behavior, face him looking presentable as ever. And, in someway, make him think I had changed through the clothes I will be wearing, nothing serious. I didn't want to act different just so that he would think I changed completely, because I didn't, I, too, was not willing to do that. It felt like it was a risk, too big for me to even take and too risky to even try.

If I acted and lied, my conscience would haunt me, reminding me everyday that I made my very own father believe I was someone I was actually not, soon, I'd be continuing lying, just to cover up that one lie. I would be the worst daughter the world would hear about—and by that, I mean, me. Only I would know, of course, if I lied or not.

But, isn't that what you're doing? Hiding what you truly feel from your parents?

I talked to myself, in my head,  of course.
Yes, that's what I was doing. For me, hiding what I felt was also the same as hiding yourself. Because I was hiding a big part of me that no one knows about, which leads to me acting as if everything was alright.

But everything's alright, you're just thinking way to deep, Lisa.

And I am, disappointing myself.

On my bed, laid two pairs of jeans, one was faded in front, reaching the top of my belly button when I wore it once at an errand or event I forgot. The other was a pair of black jeans, it also reached the top of my belly button and was slowly fading. But it wasn't obvious it was, it was just me who saw the little differences since it was mine, and knowing the person that I am, I'd always recognize any change I could see.