Mr. Pride and I | jjk x llm

28

*if y'all interested for a q&a, do drop questions :) ( stated at the end )

-Lisa-

The teacher walked back and forth on each side of the platform, his voice, big and loud as he gave off detailed descriptions about different countries and their cultures in South East Asia, a few cultures sounding the same due to the influence of the same religions. His voice mixed with the fans, whose speed was set on its highest, both echoing in unison despite the wide distance between him and the walls.

The students around me were all slouching down, sighing and looking so uninterested. And I could imagine them questioning the lessons taught by our teacher, asking themselves why they need to study a country and their culture, rather than their own. In a way, they were right to ask that, why can't we study our very own culture other than other countries' when we don't even fully know what had happened in the past that had formed our present?

However, if we would discuss about our very own country since elementary, until whenever the subject, History, would end, we'd grow tired of it. We'd just complain to out teachers, speaking our mind and asking why not other countries?

And I found that amusing and funny, because one way or another, we'll still complain and defend whatever we think is right. But, for me, I find learning about other countries really fascinating and interesting, knowing what they were like and their differences with my own. But, not all may have the same affect.

A few, however, looked to be fighting the sleepiness they felt, forcing their eyelids to stay up and not fall. I couldn't blame them, though. It had only been a few minutes since we all have eaten lunch, and for me, this is the time where I feel the most lazy and sleepy. But, I didn't feel a single hint of sleepiness, nor felt my mind go blank.

The thoughts creeping into my head one by one kept it active, making my head hurt as I try to find solutions on the questions they brought with it. It felt like a tornado of words had formed in my head, a tornado I have no absolute idea how to stop.

And most of it, was filled with the memories of yesterday, and the effect of it was the opposite of what I've hoped, assymetrical to what I wished the outcome of it will be. I thought, that because a wish of mine was fulfilled, turned into a reality I believed would still be in the far future due to the lack of sources, I'd be recalling it and be lightened with happiness filling me, but unusually, I felt the opposite.

Feeling as if a weight had been placed on my shoulders and slowly drowning my heart into the ocean of realization and unacceptance. It had only been yesterday, but it felt as if it was years ago, almost forgotten but couldn't be because it haunts me. It felt as if I had travelled through time and was now a person of an old age, knowing every aspect in life and knowing its strengths and weaknesses. But I knew better, because I know full well life brings with it surprises I feel oddly defensive about.

Recalling yesterday, the outcome of it was quite different from what I've wanted as well. I thought I'd be happy and would be filled with the peace I have searched for  since I had found out I have no complete control with the life I was so foolish to have called mine. Because it isn't. It was just a thought of mine, nothing more, nothing less. At times, I may seem to have figured out what things could've meant or be, but in the end, it isn't. And, isn't it better to play safe and just let whatever flow?

It is, but why push yourself into a relationship only to write it down without the assurance of not being caught? Why not just play safe and leave them be?

A voice said inside me, but my mind was quick to push the thought away, though its message left bits of unspoken truth in it. And it hurt, making me question more things and making my head hurt even more.