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Judge: Nico610 The writing style are easy to follow but each chapter, total words are inconsistent. The way the writer wrote the story was pretty good and made the reader want more especially the plot as the reader able to imagine the story take place in that certain era.
Judge: ray_of_sunshine9 Grammar: The main thing to work on here is punctuation, especially when it comes to dialogue. Character Building: Killian was very entertaining and enjoyable to follow. But I didn't see him grow in any way, nor did I feel like I really got to know him. I speak about this in more detail in the comments. Writing Style: It started off really great! I loved the descriptions of the setting, the drama, the mood – but then, as the story progressed, the writing style felt lazier. Plot Uniqueness: Similar to the writing style, it started off with unexpected twists and turns here and there. And then, as the story progressed, I lost sense of the plot. Again, more is in the comments.
COMMENTS: I was really excited by the prologue! I absolutely loved the way you described the setting of the Opium Den. You set up the mood really well, and I like how you also focused on things that really help the reader put themselves in that setting, such as the smell of leather that hung in the air to the gold framework and embroidery. It was detailed, and yet there was a good amount of drama and action, there were twists and turns that really kept me engaged – it was great!
By any chance, is the story in an editing phase? Because, as the story progressed, I found that the writing lost that momentum and detail. It felt somewhat lazier and even made me lose interest. I think this is because, in the later chapters, there was far too much dialogue and nothing to balance it out. There was very little action happening, and I actually found that I lost sense of the plot. There were all these characters being introduced, but I wasn't learning enough about them and already another character was coming in, and the story just lost me. My suggestion would be to revise the story – where do you want to go, what do you want to happen in each chapter to drive it to that end point. Then come up with the dialogue.
That being said, the dialogue was very entertaining! I love the sass, the banter, and the language used. You have mastered the classiness of the language, and I always find myself smiling at what Killian has to say.
Which brings me onto Killian himself. I wish I learnt more about him! He was entertaining to read, but with all those new characters and the overwhelming amount of dialogue, all I really know about him is that he has nightmares about vampires and that he is a smartass. I liked his interactions with other characters, and the chapter with the poisonous needle in the bouquet of flowers was really engaging, but I feel like there is nothing much to Killian except his smart tongue. I don't think it's Killian that's the issue, but the dialogue. Too much of it, and not enough of what is going inside Killian's head or what he is doing throughout the story.
