zoe can't stop thinking about connor. her brother. brother. she can't remember the last time she thought of him like that.
it's weird to think that he used to be bad. so so bad. so bad that zoe wanted to die. that isn't normal. that isn't how siblings work. one of them crying into a father's shoulder while the other screams at them.
but he consciously showed interested in what she loved –in a coping mechanism– and he had a go and listened to what she had to say. it's weird to think she was so ready to die because of him—
"i'm going to the park!" she calls out to no one in particular as she slams the door shut, every single part of her body itching for a cigarette.
she knows she shouldn't be doing it. she's learnt it over and over again in health class. but it helped connor, so why wouldn't it help her? because it didn't help connor. hell, if anything, it made him worse. it's horrible when she smokes. she'll end up like connor. she'll end up hurting everyone she loves. she winces to imagine her family finding out: the disappointment welling in larry's eyes; a hand clasped over cynthia's broken heart; no response from connor, who's staring at the table. can she really do that to them? so they can go through it all over again? they managed with connor, so why not her?
zoe exhales smoke. her fingers start to tremble when she starts to think those things. things that bring back the smell and taste of falafel burgers and the sound of sea late at night.
once the cigarette has been exhausted, she walks back home, spraying febreze all over her clothes. how many times did connor do this? or did he just not care?
no no no no no no no she is not becoming connor she is not–
YOU ARE READING
froyo / dear evan hansen
Fanfiction"you've been an asshole to me since i was eleven, and you expect me to forgive you because you bought me froyo a couple of times?" {started 3/5/18 finished 2/9/18}
