froyo / dear evan hansen

thirty four

zoe runs a hand through her hair and taps a beat with the plastic spoon on the counter.

alana's talking to her about something zoe doesn't care about. her mind is elsewhere, but she's smiling and nodding and laughing when alana does.

"are you alright?" alana deflates slightly.

"sorry, i- yeah. i'm sorry. i'm just not... in it today."

she smiles, but it's not real. "it's alright. jared told me about you guys getting ankled."

"he did?" her words are rushed and voice tense.

"yeah. said you were crying a lot. ranting about connor."

zoe sighs and spreads her fingers on the counter. "yeah."

"you wanna... talk?"

zoe scoffs. "what even are we? like, i know that sounds like we're lovers or whatever but- i vented to you on a beach at midnight a year ago and now you work in a froyo bar my recovering brother forced me to go to and it's just- like- weird." she sighs, although she's grinning.

alana chuckles a little at that. "yeah, i guess it is. but it's cool, y'know? so, do you want to talk about it?"

zoe glances to jared, who's busy wiping down a table and pretending not to be listening to their conversation.

"yeah, i guess. i dunno i just-" she falters. "i got mad at him for smoking weed when i smoke and i haven't told him about it. i feel weird when i drink and when i smoke because that's what connor did but i don't- i don't really care. in a way, i want to- to ruin myself like he did because recovery seems really scary and i-" zoe shakes her head, tears stinging her eyes. "wow. crying at a froyo bar. how peak."

alana smiles sympathetically. "you're ok, zoe. obviously i can't understand what you're going through, but i know connor is trying real hard and so are you. shit like this takes so much time it's painful, but it's worth it in the end."

zoe just shrugs. she appreciates alana trying to help but advice and all this bullshit about recovery and things getting better is just meaningless now. she's starting to doubt that it ever will get better. the both of them are just getting worse and worse, and zoe doesn't even care. she'd rather drink and smoke than confront her problems. at least connor's trying. maybe that's what's different about them. but at the same time, that's why they're the same. she's becoming connor, but she's in so deep it's easier to just drown at this point. nothing scares her anymore.

"do you sell beer?"

"we got some rank stuff."

"sounds good. can i get two?"